Thursday, April 18, 2013

“What’s wrong?”

letting it out
  • WEGO Health Day 18….. Write about a time that you lashed out at someone close to you because of frustration/fear/anger resulting from your health condition and you wish you could take it back. Forgive yourself and let it go.
    On the flip side, write about a time that someone said something to you that they wished they could take back. Did you forgive them? Why or why not?

“What is wrong?” asks Tom. Really I thought that is what you are saying?? The day I went in to get my drains removed I was told only 2 were coming out. I was so pissed. Tom asked that to me and I lost it. EVERYTHING was wrong, how could you ask such a stupid question. I have talked about the no crying rule, I made it because if anyone was going to cry it was me and up until this day  I really had not. I had made joke through everything, it was my way of coping. Plus, it was my cancer's not theirs! IT"S MY CANCER AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO (hahahah got you singing again). But we were supposed to leave for the Cape in 4 days and I was done coping. I could go to the Cape with them (a friend’s mom is a nurse there and offered to help) but sitting on the beach with deflated breast, drains and no energy was not what I had in mind. I lost it, you know that uncontrollable crying that makes you hyperventilate, snot out of your nose, puffy eyes, tears  that was me. Must say I was not looking that fabulous that day.  I don’t cry like this so for my kids, husband, my girlfriend’s daughters and my girlfriend they didn’t know what to do.
only 2 come out, WTF
I know now Tom was just asking what exactly was I so upset about, but his comment at the time seemed so fucking stupid. I have mother fucking breast cancer is what I wanted to say but there was kids there and I do not swear in front of them (no really I fucking don't I swear). I wanted to scream I have tubes coming out of the sides of my body and I want them out! I have nasty fluid being drained from me and I hate them pure hate. I haven't cooked for my family in weeks and I want to take care of them. I need to feel like a woman and I can not with these god damn drains in. I WANT TO WASH MY HAIR MYSELF.

This was the worst day of the entire journey. It was so sad to me. It was the only time that I felt sorry for myself. I remember Genevieve saying “I am so glad you are letting it out” and that is what I needed to hear that it was ok to scream. Nikki sat there and just looked at me trying to find the silver lining but knew at that moment there was none, I needed that. Tom kept the kids busy yet looked over at me every now and then knowing I needed space, I needed that. MC tried to talk me down but knew all I needed to hear was “FUCK”. The kids were all great just trying to keep it light and wanting me to smile, I needed them.

But the real help came from Nikki’s mom. She looked at me and said “You are not ok, are you?” and hugged me. I NEEDED THAT! I didn’t have my mom there to hug me and tell me it was ok to have a day like this, but I had one that moment. I felt like she was “mom”. She is not a hugger but she hugged me told me something I do not remember then walked away. All I needed was that hug from her the words didn't matter.

I know this was about what people did and did you forgive them but the truth is even though Tom’s comment pissed me off so effin bad that day it also released me. I needed to finally be pissed, To cry like a little girl. To have my friend take care of me. I needed to have a mommy.


  1. I love breakdown moment was in my closet, throwing away bras that I'd never wear again. While I had recon surgery, I knew those bras would never fit me again (I had small boobs before). I hated that they were gone. But ya know, I was so lucky because I got a boob job out of the deal (yea, some idiot said that to me). I love your bluntness, your honestly, your strength. Thank you for sharing of yourself.

    1. yeah someone butt head said that to me too. I gave away 34 bras, it pained me. But I gave them to my friends and that helped. MUCH LOVE sister!!!

  2. Thanks for addressing the "lashing out at caretakers". This process is so effing long that eventually no matter how strong you are, you will lash out, your caretaker tires of your bs, there are stressful times. I don't know what to do about this but try to mitigate and manage. Thank God for family because after nearly 8 months since diagnosis, I don't think friends truly want to hear "how you are" and sometimes I want to tell myself to shut the f up. I can see the validity and use of social media and the community to help with this process that so many people just don't get. I'm not done, I'm in the middle, (treatment), if I look at the big picture, I will put a gun to my head so I break it off in bite size tolerable chunks to check a box. Currently I am focused on Phase II of chemo-Taxol. I completed tmt 8 of 12 yesterday so I am 2/3 done with that Phase, but there are a whole host of things that come after that.
    Every day is a battle, a body you don't recognize, hair that is gone, eyelashes falling out--but I'm breathing, I'm writing this from my desk at work, my kids are healthy, I have people who love me (thank each of you), my sister is managing my house so I can manage the rest of my life (she's been here 6 months), I have insurance and the list of blessings go on and on.
    Ann Marie thank you for your courage and outreach, it has been a Godsend. I love that you keep it real.
    Stay strong sistahs! Peace & Love, Tina

    1. So much love to you! Please if you need to vent you came right to the right place.

  3. First of all, I'm so grateful that I found your blog! I've been reading it for about an hour, and it's just what I've needed. You're funny,and I can relate to many, many of your experiences. My cancer journey started two years ago. I had a lumpectomy in my right breast, went through radiation and was in remission for two years. Then at my two year checkup, they discovered cancer in my left breast. If that wasn't bad enough, I also discovered at that appointment that my fabulous husband of 24 years had stopped paying our health insurance months ago, so I had no health coverage! Things went from bad to worse from there, including us losing our family business, our home, bankruptcy, finding out about his substance abuse...etc. Now I'm fighting cancer for the second time on my own. No, that's not entirely true. I have four wonderful children to take care of through all of this! So far, I've had a mastectomy, tissue expanders (owie owie!!)and I'm waiting for funding to finish the reconstruction. I lash out at someone or something at least once a week! Cancer sucks! Life sucks! But I will get through today! I'm coming back tomorrow to read more about your shoes!

    1. I am so happy to connect. You gotta LOVE social media. I am posting your journey now, THANKS SO MUCH for sharing!!! XOOXOXOX