Friday, September 28, 2012

Scaredy Cat

Scaredy cat

When you find that lump your heart stops. I mean the real lump not "oh I think I have a lump" no that's just your boob dumb ass. I felt that lump and knew instantly all those other "lumps" weren't jack. Of course, the black discharge clued me in that something was for sure not normal. Anyone that knew of the lump diagnosed me, I never had so many "doctors" tell me what was wrong. Clogged duct was the top choice. UMMMM any ANY time you have black shit coming out of ANYWHERE in your body it is NOT good. Unless you are a newborn  that black meconium needs out but they are the only one. A million thoughts went through my mind during the weeks leading to the lumpectomy. Who is going to cook for my family was number one. But mainly.... Fear, sadness, thoughts of death, chemo, radiation all that enters your head in literally a split second and you feel it in the pit of your stomach. She thought she got it all and that was that.

Then pathology came back "positive" for cancer, positive is bad here but sometimes doctors say positive and its good, WTF make up your mind! The feeling was numbing, I was walking around but had no clue what I was doing. I went by myself because my doc really thought it was papilloma, she wasn't worried. I was however. Before she could even tell me I said "I have cancer".  She felt horrible I wa alone, I didn't even think like that. Plus, Nikki called me while I was in the car slamming the steering wheel, she was in shock. MC followed me after class and we pulled into Kohl's parking lot where as she read the path report (only she understood all that crazy talk) and she still didn't believe it.  My dad was watching Julian and I had to tell him, I am pretty sure he freaked when he left. I told him "Do not start crying. If I am not crying you can NOT", he actually listened to me!! Then I called was surreal for us both. Called Rachel she was in shock, actually kept saying "are you sure?" LOL. My brother got on the phone with his oncologist friend and harassed him until he called me at 9:30pm on a Sunday. He then proceeded to come over every morning by 7am, I thought shit if I get really sick he will move in. Lori was well we all know there were water works!! Alissa thought I was lying, cause that is sooooo funny, idiot:). Jess sent me a text "you got this no biggie", which made me smile during the chaos of the day. Tracy immediately tried to find a way that apple cider vinegar could cure it. Rosie misunderstood until Megan told her. See the trickling affect stupid dumb breast cancer has and how it made all these people feel!!!

Meanwhile, I was mildly freaking and honestly scared not really for me because I researched these doctors and knew they would take care of me. But for them!! I mean I am the life of the party, the party planner, the party cook, the party thrower, the party fashion consultant and these are important to life. No really I was scared. I had just had my uterus fixed up and I was not really digging another surgery, but there was no other option. I have to say from here on in it was a blur. I remember the parties, the friends, getting extra work outs in, but I also have no memory of that time. I remember the night before surgery my Sammy boy sobbing how scared he was and knowing he needed us to be strong. He wanted me to say "I will be fine" but fuck it was major surgery I had no idea and I was not going to lie to him. Megan took good care of them in the morning and Al was there for support after soccer. Being able to Skype on my Ipad (cancer perk!!) helped us all. Ben even Facetimed me from a friend;s house that night, I am sure Patti did not expect to see me that night.

In the hospital I was still cracking jokes, offending hospital staff and barking orders. But I was so fucking nervous, the crazy thing is honestly I did not feel that then. I know I felt that because Tom and I just went through the pictures for the slide show and I saw how scared I was.The emotions came flooding back for the both of us. Through the pictures I not only saw my fear but my dad, G-Deb, my brother, friends and my husband which tonight made me cry. Right there in the pictures I can see the fear in my eyes. I was scared they were going to find more, that the nodes weren't clean, that they were going to eat something good while I was in surgery, that my doctors had been out the night before and didn't get enough sleep....that I wasn't going to wake up. I knew this was going through my head but you know all those people I mentioned well them and this whole other group that were bombing my phone were sending me all this strength, love, prayers (yes I think that energy is good), and healthy vibes. Their support helped me push out, not down, those fears and bring forth this crazy ass courage!! Stupid dumb breast cancer was not going to last here. The pictures right after the surgery I do not even remember, praise the drugs glorious drugs! Those pictures are my favorite because then I start to see relief.

I can not believe they MADE me take my shoes off!

I really hope you all come to the event at Pascale's "My Journey Through the Lumps", these pictures are truly incredible. The pictures are simply amazing I would love to show them all now but then you wouldn't come! They will make you laugh, cry, cringe, and  they are eye-opening. You will see a side to breast cancer that will make you understand why this journey is so hard on women. Why women have a hard time accepting this is going to happen to their body. These picture I hope will make you get a mammo or encourage a friend to get one. They I hope will empower you to be active and FIGHT stupid dumb breast cancer before or because it hits close to home.  I want women to be a little more comfortable while they are fighting, I want the to find the strength I did to survive and I want them to be proud of themselves because they kicked stupid dumb breast cancer's ass and still look amazing! The advance sale tickets will be on sale until October 15th or until we hit 500. I am still looking for sponsors, get you logo up on the support poster!! Do not piss me off look what I am doing to breast cancer cause it pissed me off. Plus I ain't no scaredy cat no more!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Another fork stuck in the road

I wasn't going to blog about this because I wanted more facts. But I think everyone needs to see how stupid dumb breast cancer controls you. Your mind and how you think. Mainly your body and how it reacts to the estrogen in it. In the past 5 days I have had person after person say "Aren't you glad it is over?" "You are lucky it was only breast cancer" "Now you can enjoy the holidays". So I need to vent.

It is NOT over. I have had a nodule on my thyroid for years that has been watched  (not very good but still watched). They have aspirated it a couple of times, this is code for sticking a huge friggin needle into my neck and pumping out liquid without numbing it, yes it sucks as bad as it sounds. It has always been fine and honestly I never thought twice about it. OK, maybe a quick thought entered of some crazy ass disease but then thoughts of dinner or True Blood took over, I have ADD a little. Now what was I talking about??? Oh right, so my uncle suggested I get blood work done for my thyroid, well that is never cut and dry so a sono was put into play. The results are in people and..... There are 5 more nodules in addition to my 1, it is probably nothing but guess what?? I have stupid dumb breast cancer so whenever there is shit like this you worry. Especially, when "we have to rule out cancer" (this is said in my Darth Vader voice, makes it funnier to me). Really it is probably nothing but the thought of another MRI makes me sick. Like I have stated  I do not enjoy laying still none the less not talking and now add that "BOOM BOOM BOOM" to it, UGH. The the dye crap they inject that makes my equilibrium off (ok more so than normal). If only it was Boom Boom POW of the Black Eyed Peas:) Off to the Thyroid Doctor today, let the question and answer and question games begin.

Lucky to have breast cancer??? Tell that to my 10 year old who sobbed the night before my mastectomy. Or to my husband who hated seeing me in pain. Better yet to my friend who had to have her expander taken out because it leaked, I am sure that she thinks she is so fucking lucky now. Or those people who have lost their life to stupid dumb breast cancer. It was not luck I got stupid dumb breast cancer, it was just what I got. I am not lucky that I got the "easy" cancer (cause my life has been sooooo NOT easy since May) it is just what cancer I got and I am dealing best I know how. Luck is not being played here, being healthy is. Every cancer is different for everyone, there is not luck in cancer.... it's fucking cancer people!!!

Enjoy the holidays, huh?? I get my implants in right before the holidays then meet with the GYN oncologist right after the holidays. Oh and I get another MRI, PET scan and blood drawn too for my 6 month check to come on say it with me "rule out cancer". Not enjoyable, BUT I will find a way to party do not worry. I am not saying that this is horrible rotten life and I will not get through this because I will, wearing heels and a smile.

You have to understand that cancer opens you up to so much that even going to the dentist is stressful, I am sure there is tooth cancer. It puts worry in your head and fright in your heart. I mean if something happens to me will Tom feed the children over the sink or will he use actual plates??? This is so far from over this is just my life now. It is not lucky or easy but doable especially if the 'cancer perks" keep rolling in. I am not stupid dumb breast cancer and it certainly is not me. It is just what is going on with my body and I fulling intend to .......
Hope you join me as I do just that. It is going to be a great show cause I have some serious back up!