Saturday, February 9, 2013

Life after cancer

Cancer Free, what does that mean?
“Mom where’s my socks?” “Mom is dinner ready?” “Babe where is the tape?” “MOMMMMMMMM”…..Life as I know it. While nothing seems to have changed everything is so different. I can not put a finger on it put it is not the same. It seems we all had a reality check as to what is important in life through this but that really isn't what I mean. There is something “there”.
Part of it is I am still so fucking exhausted from this hysterectomy, like really EXHAUSTED!! I thought I knew tired but I never did until now. My body has been through so much and I need to accept this and listen to it. They took out major parts, only weighing 86 grams ROBBED again!!! My hormones are on a roller coaster ride, sobbing over NOT being able to do the laundry when I should be thrilled. Do not even get me started on night sweats and hot flashes. WTF, nothing like sweating and freezing all at once. Katy Perry’s “Hot N’ your cold” is my new theme song. Still this is not it.
I am not going anywhere in the fund raising aspect of SDBC, what I am doing is kicking it into overdrive. I have always been a force in the fund raising for Race for the Cure and very vocal about it. Yes this has amped me up but it hasn’t changed that. I have ideas for every month and making sure they are different so people can find something that works for them. Never feel obligated to do them all, but don’t you dare do none, cause I will hunt your ass down. I am excited and passionate about all these yet that is not it either.
Not only do I want to continue SDBC but am in the midst of starting a new venture with a fabulous survivor. I have never met her but we are connected through cancer and together as friends, no wait sisters, we are excited and ready to take the cancer world by storm. We are taking a HUGE leap of faith and am so excited to do so.  As we finalize plans I will be sure to fill in the blanks. This is new for both of us but we seem to have the same ideas and philosophy plus that “let's do this” attitude I can just see the success of it. This is something that has changed me but yet it is not it, ugh.
I have such a great family, like amazing. Right down to my 3rd cousin once removed they have been so incredibly supportive. My husband has done everything he can to help me, our family and our marriage it makes me feel complete. My kids have been my biggest fans and have proved how strong they are. My friends, WOWOOWOWOW!! They have been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my balance, my light and my silver lining. Without them this battle would have sucked big time! Even their children have showed amazing support and their husbands as well, now that is some badass friends! Then there is my cancer friends, amazed. I never met half these people yet we have shared such personal stories, struggles and fear. They have taught me how to cope because they get it and they have empowered me beyond words. I never thought strangers could mean so much but still that is not what has changed.
I worry about what is next. I have so many up coming appointments and tests that is stresses me to think about it. I did not survive cancer to die from fucking stress!! I am positive that these scans and tests will be clear but I am still scared of the unknown. I was so healthy before this cancer has made me question my ability to get that back. Really I was not a worrier about myself at all, glad I took that lump serious. I was never a hypochondriac yet I get freaked that my hang nail might turn into nail cancer, don’t laugh it could so happen. Even that crazy talk isn't what I mean.
I feel so different on the outside and in. My emotions are all out of whack yet I feel stronger than ever. I am so proud of this journey yet frightened I did something wrong. I feel like I am on the road to recovery but at the same time I am so drained and out of shape I want to scream. One minute I am laughing and ready for life the next I am crying. My body is so weak (I can barely carry an effin milk jug when I used to squat my body weight) but it feel like a power house. I hate cancer yet I love how it affected me. I am beyond overwhelmed, yet feel like I can take the world by storm. Shit balls when I write that all down I am a HAM for sure, a HOT ASS MESS.
I guess I am just different yet still the same. Life after cancer goes on for sure, but we are never the same. I can never be that same girl nor do I want to be. Ann Marie is here but new and improved. Understand that while we are going to soccer games, working out or hitting Target, I am still battling the beast. I think of what cancer did to me and catch myself worrying about its return.  I still have doctor appointments, test, scans, blood work and pain I deal with every day because of stupid mother fucking breast cancer. I want to be treated as the same princess but accepted as a newer model. Most of all I want everyone to be aware of cancer and how it affects you. Aware of your body and how you need to address anything that you think is off. Aware that I kicked cancer’s ass and it changed me.