Sunday, May 12, 2013

363 more days until this day comes back


It is that day that stupid dumb Mother’s Day. I already know so do not write it or say it or text that crap about ‘Now you’re a mother”. I know that, I gave birth to those 4 boys and it makes me feel amazing to have them in my life. But it will never take away the loss of not having one to raise me. Those are literally the only pictures I have of her with me and it sucks.  As an adult, I am supposed to be a big girl today and be happy that I have 4 great kids blah blah blah. I really hate this made up holiday, made in 1914 during the depression to boost the economy! So why must us motherless daughters endure this heart ache (fatherless you get your turn in June)?  I could type away of all the reasons I why this is hard for me, but I do not think it will do me any good (nor do I need Lori to have any more water works). I will just say that I never ever knew what it was to have a mother, she died when I was 1 year old and who can possibly remember that. A cure for cancer would be amazing, but I wish more than anything to know what she sounded like, smelled like or felt like. I sat the other night with my girlfriend who lost her son a few weeks ago and she isn’t exactly thrilled for it either, so it isn’t just me!
 I asked my brother what he was doing for mother’s day his response was “my mother’s dead”, is it wrong we both laughed? My sister was more planning it out with her girls, needs to keep busy. I do not enjoy being miserable during this weekend and believe me it is no picnic for Tom but I can not snap out of it. I remember in school ( I went to a small Catholic school, 1 class per grade and EVERYONE knew everyone’s business) when the card making day came around for Mother’s day I would cringe. I actually would fake sick sometimes so I didn't have to make one. Sure I made a card for my grandmother’s, aunts and godmother: HAPPY BIRTHDAY Linda this post should just make your day, but it is far from the same. I would sit there and watch all my friends making a card for their mothers that they all complain about and I wanted to cry. I was the cool kid and there was no way I was crying so I just went about it. Crazy cause now in school they would be on that and helping the child, sending them to the school counselor to process the grief. This was the 80’s. Better just to not talk about it, no wonder me and my siblings are so screwed up.
 I think about Mother's Day during the year and think this year I will be happy and love that I am a mom. Then the little princess who just wants her mommy runs right through me stomping her stilettos. Honestly I just want the day to be over. I feel bad cause no matter what Tom does I am sad which sucks cause I have not been a bag of fun lately.  Got to love a little survivor guilt with a dash of low self-esteem and a sprinkle of body image issues to create the ultimate emotional roller coaster. And now it is Mother’s day, UGH! I do not wish that I could just embrace my kids and enjoy the day, I do not wish that I had flowers or cards and I do not wish for breakfast in bed. I just want to think about the mother I never knew. I want to be sad and let that be ok. I want to cuddle on the couch with my monkey butts while TFO makes me some tea. Life makes no sense sometimes and I have chosen to not question it but to accept. I accept the unacceptable but I do not have to like it! And if I want to be a big ass grouch, well shit I am going to be and if I were you I would just let me cause I am in no mood.

This is not a pity party post it is just my feelings. If you are reading this and you are a motherless child you get it, no matter your age. Everyone feels pain from a loss, this is just mine. Not worse than anyone else, just mine.  If you have a mom to celebrate with you probably think I am nuts (I am but today just a little more than usual). Today I will set the tiara on the table and just be a big baby, I think I will make the boys shine it for tomorrow!