Thursday, October 24, 2013

Going insane got no brain

Ok well the MRI showed I had a brain but whether it is on the fritz remains to be determined. It is hard to say when a cold is just a cold or if something brewing. After DX, whenever you get a headache, toothache, hang nail or backache you think "Mother of all that is evil it must be bad, it must be cancer". It is so difficult to figure out when to call the doc, which doc to call and whether it is really serious. The ache that has been there for more than 4 weeks probably should be address. Guess what, it actually could be just a pulled muscle from lifting all those chips or from stress. The problem is our head starts making us second guess every ache/pain/change in body. I would always tough it out and wait until the last minute now I have ALL my docs on speed dial. The problem is when do you call??? How do you call?? At this point I think Ghost Busters might be able to help me. I really feel like I am losing my mind, yes I may have lost it but now it is going haywire like serious craziness. Yet I know I am not alone, right please tell me I am not alone.
Yes possibly

 I have had some headaches, watery eye, head pressure and a bunch of other crap since last November they said nerve damage, OK fine. Well guess what it has not gone away and has only increased. Then BAM lost hearing, now its muffled with serious pressure. Some days the pain is horrible and I just want to cry. Add a little stiff neck and I am like WTF I must be dying (don't send  flowers just yet!!). MRI says brain is still there and in good condition minus all the pot I smoked when I was young. Some inflammation but no tumors, well hot damn!!! Yet the pain and pressure and ear ringing is still there (or is it, maybe it is just my overacting).  I was told by the ENT to take a muscle relaxer and call it a day, basically it was in my head.  You get me here right?? You waffle between it is nothing to OMG its cancer which you had so you know it is impossible. The doc looks at you like you are nuts and maybe you are but damn there is no need to make me feel that way. You want it to be nothing and hope it will be but what if it is something!  I think docs need to understand this and that you want to be healthy and fit into your before cancer jeans so bad!! Do you ever get pass the fear?? I do not think so ever. I have seen too many friends suffer and have been through enough to not be scared. So I find myself sitting and letting the pain build and feel all the symptoms just to prove to myself I am not making this up. Which it totally not fun, just saying. Going insane is not at all as enjoyable as I thought.

I am off to the neurologist next month and while I really hope he tells me I am ok it is stress or another skittle I am so scared it is something bugger. And what more is all I want is relief from the discomfort.  Maybe I need a lobotomy or glasses or a vacation. YES that is it I need a vacation, who has a time share? I am not looking to head to the mountains in a closed up cabin for the winter with Tommy if you get my picture. The Queen must be looking to vacation with a princess!