- Doctor appointments and junk
- My journey through the lumps....in pictures
- Laughing the boobs off in pictures
- Brace yourself, it's the Bride of Frankenstein
- Events: mark your calendars
- Reasons I hate stupid dumb breast cancer
- CURE OR BUST 2013
- A Special Thanks to ........
- Michelle DaRin auction original piece
- Mammos and wigs and support OH MY
- WARRIOR WELLNESS
- You read the blog, now get the shirt!
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
It is that day that stupid dumb Mother’s Day. I already know so do not write it or say it or text that crap about ‘Now you’re a mother”. I know that, I gave birth to those 4 boys and it makes me feel amazing to have them in my life. But it will never take away the loss of not having one to raise me. Those are literally the only pictures I have of her with me and it sucks. As an adult, I am supposed to be a big girl today and be happy that I have 4 great kids blah blah blah. I really hate this made up holiday, made in 1914 during the depression to boost the economy! So why must us motherless daughters endure this heart ache (fatherless you get your turn in June)? I could type away of all the reasons I why this is hard for me, but I do not think it will do me any good (nor do I need Lori to have any more water works). I will just say that I never ever knew what it was to have a mother, she died when I was 1 year old and who can possibly remember that. A cure for cancer would be amazing, but I wish more than anything to know what she sounded like, smelled like or felt like. I sat the other night with my girlfriend who lost her son a few weeks ago and she isn’t exactly thrilled for it either, so it isn’t just me!
I asked my brother what he was doing for mother’s day his response was “my mother’s dead”, is it wrong we both laughed? My sister was more planning it out with her girls, needs to keep busy. I do not enjoy being miserable during this weekend and believe me it is no picnic for Tom but I can not snap out of it. I remember in school ( I went to a small Catholic school, 1 class per grade and EVERYONE knew everyone’s business) when the card making day came around for Mother’s day I would cringe. I actually would fake sick sometimes so I didn't have to make one. Sure I made a card for my grandmother’s, aunts and godmother: HAPPY BIRTHDAY Linda this post should just make your day, but it is far from the same. I would sit there and watch all my friends making a card for their mothers that they all complain about and I wanted to cry. I was the cool kid and there was no way I was crying so I just went about it. Crazy cause now in school they would be on that and helping the child, sending them to the school counselor to process the grief. This was the 80’s. Better just to not talk about it, no wonder me and my siblings are so screwed up.
I think about Mother's Day during the year and think this year I will be happy and love that I am a mom. Then the little princess who just wants her mommy runs right through me stomping her stilettos. Honestly I just want the day to be over. I feel bad cause no matter what Tom does I am sad which sucks cause I have not been a bag of fun lately. Got to love a little survivor guilt with a dash of low self-esteem and a sprinkle of body image issues to create the ultimate emotional roller coaster. And now it is Mother’s day, UGH! I do not wish that I could just embrace my kids and enjoy the day, I do not wish that I had flowers or cards and I do not wish for breakfast in bed. I just want to think about the mother I never knew. I want to be sad and let that be ok. I want to cuddle on the couch with my monkey butts while TFO makes me some tea. Life makes no sense sometimes and I have chosen to not question it but to accept. I accept the unacceptable but I do not have to like it! And if I want to be a big ass grouch, well shit I am going to be and if I were you I would just let me cause I am in no mood.
This is not a pity party post it is just my feelings. If you are reading this and you are a motherless child you get it, no matter your age. Everyone feels pain from a loss, this is just mine. Not worse than anyone else, just mine. If you have a mom to celebrate with you probably think I am nuts (I am but today just a little more than usual). Today I will set the tiara on the table and just be a big baby, I think I will make the boys shine it for tomorrow!
Friday, May 10, 2013
I love having a godmother I really do. We could not be more opposite but there is a serious bond. She took me to the movies when I was little and her boyfriend carried me on his shoulders. We would go into Small World and I would buy one thing, something small and made in China but I loved that! I was in her wedding and got to be a Junior bridesmaid, I felt so cool. I got my period and was with her PHEW that could have been awkward with my dad! She took me to see Michael Jackson, I am sure she did that solely for ME!!!!!! She had a baby and asked ME to be her godmother, now I was cool. I even lived with her for awhile, god help them. Yes we have had some ups and downs but managed to put it all behind us, isn't that what family is about? She may not have been by my bed during this stupid dumb breast cancer journey but I felt like she was. I felt her worry and fright. I felt her love.
So today I am sending her an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Thanks for not only accepting me for me when I know you had other ideas but loving me too. Thank you for giving me some awesome childhood memories. And thank you for always treating me like a princess!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
May 7th 2012
LAST YEAR ON THIS DAY....
Lump found, doctor called, mammo set up.I went in to have a mammo and I was nervous as hell. I have had a lot but this was serious. As the attendant was placing my lumpy breast in that flattener she asked if there as any changes. Would a lump with black ooze coming out be a change? She pressed down on my breast and black sludge came out all over the machine. ‘Well there isn't anything coming up on here.” Really cause there sure is a lot coming OUT on here. We went to a sonogram. As she rolls over the lump it still doesn’t show up. “I feel it when I roll over, but nothing shows” She proceeds to check normal and tells me I “should” consult with my doctor. YOU THINK??!!
I went off to my GYN, have I told you how awesome they are, like super duper awesome. He felt my breast and the lump, took a sample of the black ooze and made some calls. This is “NOT NORMAL” he said and every nurse in there agreed with him. They were not panicked but I could see major concern. The first doctor wouldn’t see me until August 31st cause the mammo said “normal”, jesus I would be dead by then. I had an appointment for May 31st with a breast care doctor. My GYN family told me to call if I had any questions, concerns or changes. Not once did they say “don’t worry”, maybe that was what they were supposed to say but let me tell you they knew I was going to and I think they were too. I called and called a lot, honestly I think I have the BIGGEST folder there, not sure that is a good thing.
My life spiraled from here. Google became the devil. The internet is great yet diabolical at the same time. I was in the height to Race for the Cure and in a sea of pink. Survivors at every turn. I kept thinking about Linda and her smile, she gave me comfort. It could be so many things, but I had to wait. Don’t you just love waiting?? The fact that we have to wait for all this is nuts. The thoughts and ideas in our heads is what really adds to the stress.
Let me just state that NO LUMP is normal and if anything black, yellow, green or purple (oh I would I have loved that) comes out of you it is NOT normal. Unless of course you are an alien then this maybe completely normal. But for this princess no friggin way!!!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
May 5th 2012
“Crap is that a friggn lump?
TOMMMMMMMM I think I found a lump”
“Oh brother here we go” (eyes rolling)
“No really feel this” Silence, pure silence.
Tom feels the lump and this dark, black; crap comes oozing out of my nipple like an oil spill. “FUCK, what the mother fuck was that?!" this was Tom saying this not me. It was so messed up to see that ooze out of me it freaked him and believe me he watches 4 babies come out of me so he doesn’t freak easily. Yup it is a lump but it can’t be cancer, no friggin way. Tom's first reaction was UGH because I found "lumps" all the time. BUT nothing can prepare you for what a solid lump feels like and the wave of emotions that come over you in a split second! Fear, panic, mortality all running through your head and pushing them out is not an option.
I had to get ready for Race for the Cure registration, I text MC …..
“SHIT BALLS I have a lump and there is black ooze coming out”
“What the hell did you just say?”
“OMG reread it I am getting in the shower”
The next came a million questions, have you met the woman she asks a lot. But we decided that she would feel it at open registration. So I head over and leave Tom home with the boys and a computer, BAD IDEA. Google is the devil when you are looking for medical help. If you look far enough it says you are fine just a clogged duct but if you look a little farther it says breast cancer. no it cannot be!
Walking into the center Kate and Deb are sitting there having a chat…
“I found a lump” (there was no stopping the tears)
“What are you serious?” (Why would I joke about this, ok I do joke but cancer no way?)
“Yes, it is probably nothing”
“Go home you don’t have to be here”
“Yes I do”
For some reason I felt like I had to be there. I know being around that pink, breast cancer crap was a little much but something told me to stay. I kept watching the race video from last year and hearing myself say “Can you imagine a cure?” UMMMM I can’t imagine this fucking lump in my boob right now.
In runs MC…
“Let’s go to the bathroom. Take your shirt off” (get your mind out of the gutter this is a breast cancer blog not porn)
“It is right here feel it and press a little”
“Jesus Christ it’s a lump and what is that sludge? It is probably just a clogged duct.”
You know when someone tells you something and you want desperately to believe those words but you can see the fear in their eyes. I knew at that moment it was cancer but I tried so hard to think “WHAT IF?” what if wasn’t??!!! I sat there in a fog making small talk and wondering if this lump was destroying me inside. I sat there and watched people come in to register for a race that was about breast cancer and I had a fucking LUMP. I sat and watched my kids helping out because I was so involved in the race for the past 7 years and they really love being a part of this day. I sat there and thought WTF breast gods all I do for breast cancer awareness you give me a mother fucking lump. If this is nothing and only supposed to teach me a lesson I get it. Message heard. I sat there and every now and then felt the lump, YUP still there.
In walks Linda with her husband and mother. I watched as she came up to Kelly…
“Would you like to register?”
“Yes we would. I just finished radiation. I will be a survivor this year.”
I looked at her standing there with her incredible smile, her eyes lighting up and her loved ones next to her and I was overcome. I thought I swear if this is stupid dumb breast cancer I am going to be just like Linda with a smile, light and my family, I am going to be a survivor. I never knew Linda’s name until last month but I think of her every day. I think of her eyes and her smile and how they game me hope. She has been and always will be my inspiration. Every time I think about her I cry just a little for her survival and what she meant to me.
Your mind is a funny thing remembering what it wants when. I cannot remember shit anymore and sometimes I think I remember something and realize that it didn’t happen to me but I saw it on an episode of Melrose Place (what I can so be Amanda Woodward). I can remember my kid’s births cause that really hurt especially #3 I think that resident still gets nightmares over me, the day my friend Lisa died and Phil that was heart breaking, walking down the aisle holding my dad’s arm to be marry my TFO but everything else seems to faded. I blame the pot, cancer and menopause depending on what the memory is and when in my life it happened. But this day my lump day is like it was yesterday, it changed my life. Yes the obvious, my body but the emotional battle is no joke. Unless you had heard those words “You have cancer” you cannot understand this, do not try because I will rip you apart. I have been thinking about this day all week sometimes making me shake my head as to where I have come sometimes making me cry that this even happened and sometimes making me proud of what has become. A little rollercoaster for sure, I have done a very good job keeping that tiara on this lumpy ass bumpy ride.
The last thing I did that day was text Nikki I needed a silver lining.
“I found a lump"
Well ya gotta cut loose, footloose kick off your .... (that is her ring tone she didn't text she called)
"Well don't Google it" (when I knew the minute I hung up she was going to).
"Too late Tom did a little, it is probably nothing come on, I mean that would be nuts"
Then she said what every princess wants to hear "Let's go get a pedi" ......
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
PHEW! Praise the blogger gods!! While I love to blog, on some days this was a challenge.
I am not a great writer and some days I was not in the mood but I did it. OK, so what if I cheated a few times, go ahead and sue me I got 4 kids and a husband. Of course being the OCD person I am a felt that I had to get this done in the morning, plus my days are a bit crazy. I learned so much from other bloggers that I LOVED this. It forced me to read about things I never would have, I made new cyber friends, I read about viewpoints I may not agree with but totally respect. Thank you WEGO for challenging us. While some posts were awesome, I love “Wordless Wednesday” (plus it was less writing LOL) and the APP one there was that damn animal one. I am still cursing out! Who made that one up again, Christine was that you??? But I did it and read the others who were up to this challenge. The one thing this did for sure is it proved what I have been saying all along. Everyone has a story to tell. We can never truly understand what someone is going through because it is their journey; we can empathize but never really get their side. We need to respect each other more because of this; you can’t judge someone because they do not take the same path as you. That is what is great about blogging, it tells YOUR story, read it if you like if not there is another person’s story you will relate too. My story my not be what you agree with but it’s mine and no one can take that from me, some have tried literally to take my story and make it their own, dumb asses. There really can only be one Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer Princess, get your own tiara!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Funny that this is the post for today when I am in a funk. I have battled the beast of depression for years and sometimes that dark ugly thoughts pop in even during the happiest or best of days. You need to find some light wherever it maybe and sometimes when you are depressed that seems impossible. The fact that I am in an UGH mood about myself and have to write about what I love will be a true challenge and my have some serious sarcastic under tones.
I do love the fact I can fake a good mood. Well, at least to my outer circle the inside people know me all to well. But for the most part I can go about the day very chipper on the outside. Makes you wonder what else I can fake!
If you do not want to know my opinion do not ask. I will tell you how it is whether it is what you want to hear or not. I have lost some people over this but I won’t budge on that. Keep in mind it is just my opinion so if you do not like it do not listen. My filter button was wobbly before then stupid dumb breast cancer broke that button right off. I have often said “Crap did I say that out loud” because I let those thoughts in my head out. Scary place up there.
I have the ability to seek help. I know when I am in a dark and scary place or am feeling overloaded I need to seek professional help. Luckily for me I have a line of therapist to choose from. Time to go lay on the couch and talk it out.
Look the reality is that even a princess has some issues to iron out. It takes some work to keep that tiara shinny. But when it is said and done I do like my faking, broken filter, messed up self! Sometimes I even love her!