Friday, July 27, 2012

The good the bad and the drains

Cancer free is fantastic but shit balls I am still hurting. It is crazy to be so elated with great news yet still have trouble doing push ups (hahahah kidding but I wonder how many thought no she didn't?). This entry is a hodge podge of thoughts, all this sitting on my ass (as it grows) watching Teen Mom has given me lots of opportunity to come up with ideas, reflections, complaints and a lot of gratitude.

I am slowly and methodically planning the Race for the Cure 2013, registration is October 1st so once that team is set up, watch out! I warned my girls at Komen that they may want one of the buildings set aside for Cure or Bust not the pavilion. I am looking for more responsibilities there as well. I want to get my story out so someone else can say early detection saved their life. A random person emailed me yesterday telling me my blog changed her outlook on breast cancer. It pushed her to get mammos set up for her and her 3 daughters even though there is no stupid dumb breast cancer in her family. That is what I am talking about!! I have been thinking about what can be done with the pictures Genevieve has taken (by the way here is her web link please check out her work). I want women to look at me as I journey through the lumps and think, "I can beat this". I really want to start a support group, my background is psychology and lets face it I am always psycho analyzing people in my head. I want this to combo exercise and healthy eating and am happy to say I have enough people to turn to for help.

I am so sick of drains! Never have they been fun, except when I threaten the kids that I will make them drain them. They are gross, uncomfortable and just annoying. When they come out I will feel much better and have less to bitch about. It is a win win situation.

Putting myself aside this has been hard on my family. Now remember full blooded Italian here so by family I mean "mi familia" everyone. My dad and G-Deb want to help and have done a great job of carting kids around but staying away too. I am sure the 1st task is great for them the 2nd difficult. My dad brought his sweet  90+ Monsignor friend over yesterday to bless me. Or perform an exorcism, you decide. My sister is just waiting for me to give her a job to do, I have come up with some but none have made her feel useful. Looks like its time to get the toilet scrubber out. My brother!!!  What can I say, he is here every morning with bagels or donuts talking about when he changed my diapers. He can change my drains if he wants!! Tom has been Mr. Mom and has been so good at maintaining my level of anal retentiveness. He has conceded that he realizes just how much I do and I think it will stick. It has been a long week and we are both ready for Cape Cod. The boys just want normal. Julian told me "Momma I want the boys to go back to school", which in kids words is "WTF I want you all to myself". My cousins have been calling, emailing (like 50 a day from one person and you know who you are), texts and cards is crazy but makes me smile every time. But most of all getting inked! My cousin Rosie who has been there through all my ups and downs, similar to that of a roller coaster and her daughter who I have been there for through all her ups and downs similar to ME, both got inked!!! They may have been exempt from hair shaving.

My girlfriends, there are no words. The food and grocery shopping for us has been nourishing and delish. Let it be known there has not been a bad meal, we all know what a food snob  I am and these bitches have delivered! The support, coffee stops, tears and love have been what is getting me through this. That and friends who come over and insist on taking the garbage out, cleaning the counters and vacuuming. It's friends that are my sisters that leave me speechless, boy are they happy about that! Each one in their support has come to be a different friend. Which makes me turn to them for different needs. The bitch friend, the let me see your boobs and take a picture after you have been mutilated, the silver lining friend, the WTF can happen now friend, the 2am and I need to talk friend... you all know your part and believe me I love you all so much. Even my BFF in California has been so helpful. There is nothing like staying up till 2am talking, laughing, crying with someone that has known you a lifetime. Who you have helped through hard times and in her voice hear how much she feels like she is not helping. You do not have to be in my living room to help. That being said let us not forget the pity prizes, just saying woman just saying. Even a rock is calming to me, by that I mean semi precious stones embedded in a piece is jewelry. Or bedazzled shoes!!!

Genevieve came over last night to capture some family moments. As I sat there it wasn't just about the pictures. I have 4 boys who I know will look back on this and say "mom rocked" but my girlfriends girls are so important to me. When Nikki stopped over I saw in her girls' eyes relief. They knew I was alright but to see it was happy for them. It didn't stop them from trying on my shoes and eating my grub! I love them like they were my girls. I watched as the boys and their very good girlfriends sat and watched TV, they talked about being scared and crying over things, they sat together on the couch without being concerned about boy/girl crap...they were there for each other. I want my "daughters" to be proud of there 2nd Mommy and remember this as they grow into beautiful women to check their boobies!!!
Guess I wasn't so speechless after all.....
really says it all, check the kids in the window

I love this pic, the beauty of friendship
and the ugly of breast cancer together and fighting and winning!

Tired but not even close to defeated


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Put your cutting shears AWAY!!!

Did someone say.......CURED???? Oh yeah my oncologist said it, hell yeah baby. I am so happy, relieved, excited, and other emotions I can not explain. I will need checks but no chemo baby. You can all rest assure you will not have to shave your hair. Still maintain a good cut and highlight regularly, but no baldness for us. Thanks to everyone who held my hand through this I know I squeeze hard and the support was incredible. I feel sort of like it was "fake cancer" but there really is nothing fake about what I am going through, well with exception to my boobs now. There is a long road ahead but one that is not filled with more cancer, chemo and radition I will never stop sayng this...EARLY DETECTION SAVED MY LIFE! Had I been so involved in Komen and what it teaches I may have a different outcome. I will be the poster girl for this cause forever, so be ready to celebrate my life, a life as a stupid breast cancer survivor. WHOOT WHOOT!!!! I can't fist pump it still hurts:)
Pinned Image

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Proud to call myself a survivor

First, let me start by saying I meet with the oncologist TOMORROW. Until then I do not have any reports back and will hopefully have all that info after the appointment. So stop friggin asking me! A friend just dropped off beautiful flowers (the card read "get better big mouth") and a ton of candy. She asked about chemo and I said I was unsure but hopeful I was in the clear. She told me how great I will look in short hair (perfect thing to say!), to which I said "if I have to go bald all my friends are too". To which she replied "we aren't that good of friends", I needed that truth! I am still cracking up here.

I got the pictures from Genevieve of yesterday. Her artistic eye is unreal. As much as I look like the Bride of Frankenstein she made them beautiful. Wait she made me look beautiful when I feel anything but. I want other breast cancer woman to see me and think "damn breast cancer looks good on her". I want them to know they are not alone, that it hurts like a bitch is scary as hell and looks like a shit (at first, I was promised this is not the outcome and I affirmed that if it was I was suing) but they have people to turn to and lean on that have gone through this. I will add these picture to the tab above and do not click it if you think it's too much. To me it is what it is and I'm proud that I'm fighting hard, OK and a little whinny at times but shit it's stupid dumb breast cancer! I will stand with my head up, shoulders back and high heels on as you look at my road to recovery. I am speechless at these pictures and I think they speak volumes, so brace yourself, there will be no comments. I am keeping my big mouth closed.....

Monday, July 23, 2012

National Tractor Trailer school

I have to tell you that yesterday was the worst day. I woke up feeling pretty good. Sat with the boys as they got ready for the Fay-Man race (Ben won and Sam came in 7th, they are fast from their mother chasing them with a wooden spoon). I chilled while they were gone and watched some good old fashioned "Toddlers in Tiara". They came home so excited about the race and got ready to go to Uncle Tom and Aunt Rosie's. MC stopped by to check my BP, it was good. She just missed her boobless wonder. I was going to take a tub while they were here but I was so lightheaded. They left and the pain slowly set in. Now, I know people say they have a high threshold for pain and they are full of shit. I honestly do, but this pain was unreal. I think the way they get your boobs off is by running a semi over your chest to flatten it. The muscle pain is horrible. I feel like I did 200 push ups, 300 dips and 400 pull ups all at once! I was warned about the pain and how strange you chest feels and they did not lie. My "boobs" feel so funky, I mean what I can feel through the wrapping. I am like that uncle that could take his teeth out and make some crazy noise. My chest is making this swish swish sound and I enjoy showing people as they scream so grossed out. The meds barely touched the pain. I had a mini break down, yeah I am entitled to! I did some really great crying and whining, thank god I have good family and friends that put up with me and gave me tons of words of encouragement. After our Chinese dinner, yes it was Sunday no pasta we are living on the edge here, I sat back in my chair and put my eye patch on. The pain was still intense and I really wanted to shield the boys from it. Did I say Anthony fainted when I came home and he saw the drains?? Passed out cold turkey. I rested for the night while the boys watched Jeff Corwin and Tom did the laundry (pretty good too I may add). I admit I did play the occasional Words With Friends but other than that NOTHING. I do feel better today and I knew I would but getting through yesterday was difficult to say the least.
I am going to the plastic surgeons this morning. I have 4 drains and hopefully he is pulling 2. These suck, they do not hurt but its some nasty ass shit! Amazes me that us mastectomy people go home with these drains and have to deal with them. Like we are not having enough issues we have to empty these bulbs and record it. There is no looking good with 4 bulbs hanging from your dress with red crap in it! MC and Genevieve are taking me and I will say I am nervous. I will See my chest for the first time and wonder how I will take it? I do not care about the boobs being gone because they tried to kill me but the scars and marks will be hard to look at. I am glad I have MC to make some crude jokes and Genevieve to document the chest being unwrapped (plus she is proof how rude that little bitch can be). My day trumps all your boring ass days so do not give me "ugh I have to get the kids from camp, go to Wegman;s, stop at the bank..." shit..................... drains did not come out. Doctor says it looks great, really cause I thought it looked a little like Frankenstein. He was pleased with how my chest was healing and that did make me feel better. MC did her thing and asked questions and Genevieve did her thing and snapped away pictures. I feel better having the gauze off but the ace bandage feels good wrapped on me so I am leaving it. He was a little disappointed I wasn't wearing my heels! The visit wiped me out, which pissed me off. It's Monday and I usually do a full body work out with cardio, yet a trip to the doctor wiped me to. Stupid dumb breast cancer!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2012


This rose bush was a gift to team captains for Race for the Cure. It bloomed yesterday and made me smile. I believe in symbolism and this one was so clear. This is a sign that life grows, changes and is beautiful. It tells me to stop for a moment and smell the roses. It also tells me the plant is very hardy cause I can kill a silk flower! No green thumb here, just PINK.