Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Of breast caner survivors have low self body image. What is insane is when I look at my survivor sisters I think that they are so stunning, that their warrior marks show how strong they are, that they radiate a powerful beauty that blows my mind. But then I look in the mirror and while I know I am healing I look down and say WTF!! I hate that these implants they are not me, they are foreign cancer causing agents. Yes they feel real (or so Tom tells me) but shit I can not feel that! Yes from the top the cleavage looks nice and I will show that off. BUT when I look at the scars that are already starting to keyloid I cry. The scars are not just from the double mastectomy and the swap but the drains too. The scars are itchy and bumpy and right now a painful reminder. I can not wait to have my buddy DJ hide them for me and make them part of my changing self. I do feel like a butterfly. This is the hard part of stupid dumb breast cancer that goes forgotten, the after pain. This is what breast cancer has done to me. Some women opt for no reconstruction, some just for a lumpectomy, some a single breast is taken, all having such an intense part of their body altered. Their breasts,  no matter what they choose, are so changed that the healing process can take a lifetime.The key to all this is NOT BY CHOICE. I chose reconstruction- yes, but because I have breast cancer. I did not ask for this nor would I ever judge my friends choices regarding their breasts. We choose the best path for us. I am satisfied with mine after all my doc did make them look good. The reality of how it changes me is what I am dealing with. I just want my peeps to get that this may "look good" but the internal part is a struggle that most breast cancer women are fighting to overcome. Mind you I may wake up crying about this but when I get outta bed I put my big girl bra on (ok no bra but I like the metaphor) and I say "YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME" and will never beat me!
***BREASTNOTE~ this is not a pity post. This blog is therapeutic to me and helps me to explain my emotions. Plus, I know there are other women feeling this and they need to see they are not alone!