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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
70%...
Of breast caner survivors have low self body image. What is insane is when I look at my survivor sisters I think that they are so stunning, that their warrior marks show how strong they are, that they radiate a powerful beauty that blows my mind. But then I look in the mirror and while I know I am healing I look down and say WTF!! I hate that these implants they are not me, they are foreign cancer causing agents. Yes they feel real (or so Tom tells me) but shit I can not feel that! Yes from the top the cleavage looks nice and I will show that off. BUT when I look at the scars that are already starting to keyloid I cry. The scars are not just from the double mastectomy and the swap but the drains too. The scars are itchy and bumpy and right now a painful reminder. I can not wait to have my buddy DJ hide them for me and make them part of my changing self. I do feel like a butterfly. This is the hard part of stupid dumb breast cancer that goes forgotten, the after pain. This is what breast cancer has done to me. Some women opt for no reconstruction, some just for a lumpectomy, some a single breast is taken, all having such an intense part of their body altered. Their breasts, no matter what they choose, are so changed that the healing process can take a lifetime.The key to all this is NOT BY CHOICE. I chose reconstruction- yes, but because I have breast cancer. I did not ask for this nor would I ever judge my friends choices regarding their breasts. We choose the best path for us. I am satisfied with mine after all my doc did make them look good. The reality of how it changes me is what I am dealing with. I just want my peeps to get that this may "look good" but the internal part is a struggle that most breast cancer women are fighting to overcome. Mind you I may wake up crying about this but when I get outta bed I put my big girl bra on (ok no bra but I like the metaphor) and I say "YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME" and will never beat me!
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***BREASTNOTE~ this is not a pity post. This blog is therapeutic to me and helps me to explain my emotions. Plus, I know there are other women feeling this and they need to see they are not alone!
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For family and friends our hearts ache for you...we know underneath your smile and humor is our daughter, sister, wife, friend and mother who is human and hurts. We know we are blessed to have you alive and cancer free but we have no idea the emotional scars you ate dealing with. You do not have to wear the pink superwoman cape all the time..we are all here for you every second of everyday if you need. As I read your blogs and see your pictures and I'm reminded that you ARE and ALWAYS will be beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. Your voice is now put to use to speak what others are thinking, so many survivors have told me that. That your blog is healing them...pretty remarkable. You speak your mind, show your emotions and continue your healing anyway you want. We all have your back. I love you <3
ReplyDeleteThanks sissy! Xo I love you back💋💞
DeleteI feel ya Ann Marie... To others everything looks normal and fine with clothing covering them... we may look like we've got great shaped breasts. But its the underneath... the truth of what it really looks like... what it represents that can be so hard for us ladies to come to terms with. The aftermath sucks... and sometimes the emotional side of it creeps up on us later... when we're having a bad morning... getting out of the shower and catching a glimpse of our scars in the mirror. It's hard to believe that these are now a part of us. btw, you don't have to put a disclaimer like that in your posts (not being a pity post comment)... this is your story. Your blog. You can bitch, cry, complain, vent, emote and rant all you want about what stupid cancer has done to you and your body. YOU went through it! And you are AMAZING. Mwaaaaa xo
ReplyDeleteThe shower is what did it this morning Ashley! I know the disclaimer is not needed but after I read this I felt so winey but hell I can wine sometimes right? Thanks women for your words because I know you get this crazy ass journey. Yes we have different steps we took but we can still find a connection. I think you are crazy cool and I'm so fortunate we are friends! 💖💖💖💖
DeleteWe went through breast cancer!! (Still going through it!) We are ALLOWED to wine on occasion! lol
DeleteI am so lucky to have been connected with you as well. Very glad to have become friends :)
Mwaaa
There is a strong message that you share here in this post, great post. I want share about cancer center georgia which has great technology and specialist to fight against cancer.
ReplyDeleteThis blog entry reminded me of the morning (well afternoon) of my first post surgery shower. I procrastinated because I hadn't looked at them yet. A little over 2 weeks post op and I had yet to see "the goods." I was terrified. I finally got into the shower and looked up at the ceiling as the water came down on me and cried and cried. I ugly cried. I was deformed and no man would ever want to look at me naked again. I was a hot mess. But that was in February. I am not afraid of my Frankenboobs anymore. I embrace them because I am alive to embrace them.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful!
I think you are awesomely beautiful and a pure rocker! So proud to call you "warrior friend"!!!
DeleteBreast cancer risk is higher among those who have a mother, aunt, sister, or grandmother who had breast cancer before age 50. If only a mother or sister had breast cancer, your risk doubles.
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