Scared for life forever empowered

This blog post has been in my head which is a scary place for a while now, maybe even since the day I was DX. I need for those who do not “get it” to maybe really see it. Cancer changes you there is no doubt. The changes are physical and emotional which make for a very intense journey. It takes your body and mutilates, deforms, scars and transforms it into a foreign being.  It takes what you knew to be you and makes it into someone else. It is really like living in someone else's body. I cannot express to you how scary this is to live in a body you don't know or can even feel. Wrapped up not knowing to what to expect is so frightening. I was in shock and needed to see what the doctors only tell you yet never show. They show you what you those great pictures of what you  will look like after but never during. I sought out webpages like Scar Project to show me what was going to happen to me. I was empowered by these women and their strength. I needed to see their scars, tears and support to see I was going to heal.  I found Kerry Mansfield and cried hard. I was talking to Alissa at 1am and freaking out that my body was going to do that! How can this be happening? How was I going to be ok? I was scared yet comforted by these images. It took the unknown out of the picture for me.  She was still standing, she was alive and she was stronger now. I had no idea what was going to happen after this but these pictured helped me beyond words. When Genevieve Fridley took them it was helping me even then. We had no idea what we were going to do with them or if we would ever show them. I kept thinking of the images I saw and how they helped me, could these pictures help others? “My Journey Through the Lumps” was then created. Over 550 people came to see all the graphic, uncensored pictures and we raised over $12,000.00. Who would have thought?  I was vulnerable revealing myself like that yet I felt powerful too. I wanted people to see what the real side to cancer was, I wanted them to see the pain because I didn't "look sick". I am lucky that Genevieve isn't just an amazing photographer but one of my best friends. My girlfriend Karen looked at me and said “I had no idea what you went through”. That was exactly the message I want to send. You can slap a pink ribbon on breast cancer and call it awareness but that is not what cancer is about. I love PINK just love it, boas, ribbons, sparkly things that are pink, tattoos that have ribbons all of it. I am what is behind that image. This is life, this is my life. Facebook called these images pornographic/offensive and wanted them removed. Seriously?? There are images and pages on there that are over the top crude and beyond offensive yet they are still up and not getting any attention. My friend Sarcastic Boob was not going to stand for this. She made up a petition and urged people to sign it. Through Change.org over 20,000 people agreed! Facebook saw the importance of this and overturned it. The news spread yesterday and ABC posted an article. This is the movement I wanted from the day I posted my first picture. I am proud to be apart of this yet at the same time pissed people still are telling me these images are pure nudity. I just can not wrap my head around that. There is such an intense reality to the change in my body. I try on my clothes and they don’t fit the same. It isn't just the weight that I have gained because of cancer, nothing like losing body parts yet gaining 20 pounds. It is about the scars that hurt so badly, the alien body that is now mine and the loss of feeling in my breasts. I do not feel sexy or sexual, cancer changed that. Having a full hysterectomy did not help. I feel like a hollow woman with no feeling in her breasts. When the boys are asleep at night and Tom is snoring next me I cry, a lot. I hate what cancer has done to my body and my friends. I cry because there was nothing I can do about it. I am healing and that is a long process these images are showing that the scars take time to heal it doesn’t happen overnight. They also show strength, courage and power. Not porn, never porn. Healing is what the images show and anyone that thinks otherwise is a dumb ass. Thank you Facebook, David Jay, Scorchy Barrington and all the woman who live with these scars. This is what the pink ribbon should be about, this is awareness, this is LIFE. It is now my reality and I am making a difference with my pink breast friends next to me. This to me proves that stupid dumb breast cancer will never have me! After all my tiara didn’t fall off once, I remain a princess with a pink boa and stilettos and a whole different look on life.