Thursday, January 31, 2013


Always wanted a BROTHER
Always wanted a SISTER
My 4th birthday and first memory
The truth is for years I hated my birthday. Really hated it. The year I was born I am so sure my family was thrilled for a new baby, YEAHOOO!! I imagine they went through all my “firsts” and had a great time celebrating my 1st birthday…..Then my mom died, tragically. So for the year of 1973 my family had a lot to deal with but still had this little one that needed attention. I was their distraction from it all. I can only imagine what my 2nd birthday held. I know a family friend had the party, the first anniversary of someone’s death is always the hardest. I am sure they all loved the fact my birthday was the focus, but I can only imagine the heart ache. Year after year that became the case. I could tell they wanted to celebrate but their thoughts went to my mom. I have always felt pressure to have a great birthday yet there was always a cloud over it.  I thought in my warped little head if I didn’t have a birthday she would still be here, crazy but to a child living it seemed like the truth. I excepted my brithday to fix the pain. Years and years of therapy have taught me different. I learned that my birthday had nothing to do with it, duh! Yet still was hard accepting that.

Taught me to iron underware
Daddy's little girl
What cancer taught me, is life! So all those years that I thought I was the reason for the pain I realize they needed my birthday. Birthdays are about life!! I came into their life when they needed to see a smile, they needed a laugh and they needed innocence. My son Ben is wise beyond years and he said to me last night “Your mom died  and showed them death but you showed the how to live”!!! He is so fucking smart it kills me.
Told me about my period!
Spoiled me rotten

So for years they fought over who got to take me places, do things with me, spoil me or just be with me. They still do cause I am that fabulous!! Not because they needed to forget my mom’s death but they needed LIFE. My birthday was important because I was needed. And I needed them to show me love. Every person in these pictures was a mother to me, every person loved me for me, every person needed me…..
Happy Birthday to me!!!
One of the only pictures of my mom holding me

Monday, January 28, 2013

Happy birthday to me

My birthday is Thursday and although I love things that come in little boxes, that glitter and shine. Things that I slide my feet into and make me so tall and sparkly. The best gift is CANCER FREE!!!

Just so you know "cancer free" gifts can be combined with birthday gifts!

The power of the stiletto

I really did try to sleep. I started at 10pmish and here it is almost 2 and I have had no luck. You would think the amount of drugs I have in me would knock a horse out apparently I haven't gained that much weight. Needless to say this will be a post that has misspelling, bad grammar and randomness so I hope you can follow, shit I hope I can follow.

Thursday they went in and took those parts out that helped me grow my 4 little monkey butts into these crazy as world. I went into that surgery with all sorts if advice-it's no big deal, easier than a mastectomy, horrible, you will feel like hell, I was back at the gym in a week, etc. I had no idea what to expect. As you can see from the previous post it kicked my ass. The doctors say that is normal considering I have had 5 surgeries in 6 months, my body is spent. I am sore all over for sure and honestly my vagina feels much like a back alley crack whore (not that I would know). I am just waiting and not eagerly for menopause symptoms to start.

Needless to say my mind is back on override. Preparing for the surgery was very tiring this go around. The kids were scared because they knew there is no guarantees of cancer free (things look good but until that pathology comes back....). Tom was nervous but tried so hard to just act calm, 20 years together told a different story. The family and friends were ready with meals, support, tea and new sparkly shoes. Attack mode!

With all this I completely forget about the oncology appointment that was to follow the surgery. This appointment was made August 21st when I first went to the oncologist for stupid dumb breast cancer. It's my 6 month follow up! Really already?? The reality is that if I had not been so busy planning, pre testing and getting my girly parts roto rootered (Google that) I would have been over thinking this appointment. Praise the hysterectomy! I am so happy that these last few nights I stayed up watching Teen Mom, Mob Wives, and other embarrassing shows instead of worrying about the "what if" of this visit.

My life has changed so dramatically in 6 months it blows my mind. Life can change so fast and take you on a journey that you never dreamed of. It can bring you happiness you never thought you deserved. Heart ache you never thought possible. Friendships you can never live without. Scars that will last to remind you of the bumps you overcome. A purpose you didn't know you were looking for.

 Some say "it's the easy cancer", "not real cancer", "just an abnormal cell" but to me cancer and is cancer. My journey these past 6 months taught me that cancer does not have a set face or rules, it is it's one entity. Cancer takes each individual on its own journey,down whichever road it sees fit. How you travel down that road is up to you. so for me, it doesn't  matter if my oncologist tells me I'm cancer free or we need more tests, I know how I will travel. That road may not be paved, as a matter of fact it's probably all gravel with big ass potholes, but I know I can dance, walk, run, skip if I want to down that road. Done of course in my sparkly 6 inch stilettos knowing just who will be there for me to hold on to if I need!