Doc #2

"The doctor sees all her breast cancer patients at the oncology center" says the secretary.
"Shit I am the BREAST CANCER PATIENT", says the chick with stupid dumb breast cancer.

The appointment yesterday was long, draining, and depressing. They are under construction for the new cancer treatment center and let me tell you it looks so sad. These poor people go down this crazy hall into the bowels of the hospital waiting for Freddy Kruger to jump out to get treatment for hours and end up feeling like a mack truck ran them over. When the very nice receptionist took my info I almost said "this is so depressing for these patients", then I realized I am the patient. I do not do patient well. I do a lot of other things very well but be a patient helllllsssss noooooo. The magazines in the waiting room were dated 2005, I mean come on get us cancer people some updated US weekly.

The meeting with the doctor verified that I do have breast cancer, hmmmm really??? Although it is the best breast cancer you can have, "it is just DCIS", it is still cancer. That is not great and should not be taken lightly. She really would have thought it was a papilloma and says my cause is "rare". I guess I really do have to be different on all levels. This doctor agreed with my doctor and thinks my course of treatment is right. At the surgery the doctor will test my lymph nodes on both sides, checking the level of cancer. They will know then if there is more cancer but still send it out to be checked. There is a 20% chance it comes back negative at surgery then in lab is positive. That must be a fun chat, "sorry we were kidding it isn't negative after all, would you like a barf bag?". The whole  boob then goes off to be dissected and tested (think they send it to FM High School for science class??). After all that they will decide on which steps to take from there. I have to keep chemo in my head somewhere just to be prepared. It is hard up in my brain there are a lot of voices up there and right now they have a LOT to say. If I do not need chemo then yippeee if I do then I will be ready but I will not go there until then. Plus until all the results are in we will not be able to breath any sigh of relief!

I am still in shock and feel like this is some sick friggin joke. I made deals with the breast gods that if I did all that work for Race for the Cure I would go untouched by breast cancer. Stupid dumb breast cancer!!! Cancer does not hold any prejudices it slaps whoever it wants. Please get mammos and do self breast examines, early detection saved my life. Do not be a fool and think "it won't happen to me" cause you are me! Well, I am more fabulous than most but you know what I mean:)

Cancer Perks

As much as cancer just plain sucks there are serious perks! My family and friends have been beyond generous. It amazes me that people are really nice and not everyone is a complete ass. I haven't even gotten to the really bad junk yet and am speechless at the out pouring of gifts! Yes, I said speechless:) Not sure what Tom likes more the gifts or my lack of speaking. Who knew that when someone gets stupid dumb breast cancer they get cancer perks??? Thank you to all those being so thoughtful. Really you have no idea how much your thoughtfulness means to me.  Do not worry if you have been waiting to give me your  cancer gift you have all summer. Actually, I have been told I can pull the "I have breast cancer" card for 10 years. HMMMMMM......shoes really do make a girl feel better!

Just when you thought it was safe they use the "c" word

"How are you doing today?" Seriously??? friggin' awesome...its 98 degrees, I got 5 kids here, tomorrow is the last day of school and I got STUPID DUMB BREAST CANCER, I am doing great! Well, when you ask a stupid question I will give you a sarcastic answer.

Meeting with Doc #1 went just perfect until she used the "c" word and we were shocked. I mean how dare her use that language around my delicate ears. When she said chemo I almost walked out!!! There is a chance I may need it, that pisses me right off. I mean I have good hair. Now that will only happen in 3 different scenarios. I will not bore you with those and to be honest the only one who really understands is the doc, MC and google. If I have chemo be ready to see all my girls with shaved heads, RIGHT!!!!!!!! Notice that is not a question.  I have decided that I need to be looking at the worse case here. I was going along thinking ...oh it is just clogged ducted, oh they will remove it and that will be it, oh I won't need a mastectomy....then we get hit with a rock. Granted stupid dumb breast cancer hit me like a little bitch but still hit me! So we are preparing for the worse now.The docs will set up the surgery date and it will be full steam ahead.We see Doc #2 on Friday just a second opinion and because I have not been felt up yet by all the doctors in CNY.  I am getting set up with an oncologist as well. Of course, I have a connection there too thanks big brother:). It really does help to have all these doctors put a face to your file. So now I have a radiologist, breast care doctor, a plastic surgeon and a oncologist. If only it was a maid, a chauffeur, personal assistant and a personal trainer  I would be thrilled. Notice I did not say cook cause let's face it, I am way to controlling in the kitchen.

This "lump" in the road will make for a long trip but we (Tom, the boys, my family, my bitches) got this covered.  In the end I will be more active in CNY Komen and breast health and early detection, that is really what you all are excited for! Thanks for being here for my struggle, just make sure you are here for my celebration. May 18th NYS Fair for Race for the Cure with team "Cure or Bust", as this leader comes across as a SURVIVOR!!!!

Breast Humor

Implants REALLY???

I have to say, meeting with a plastic surgeon about putting implants in really sent me for a loop. Every step is making stupid dumb breast cancer real. I wonder when it will stop feeling like another girl's life? They lop off my old boobs and put tissue expander in and then weekly pump me up to my desired size. Wild! Tom gets no say in this, although he wishes:) Then I go back in 2 months to get the implants put in. Did I mention that I friggin hate staying in the hospital? Although having nice perky boobs that will not require a bra just maybe worth it.  Bonus, looks like our Cape Cod trip should be safe plus NYS Fair, here I come. Yes my children can relax....there will be little boobs there while we are away. This is the boring very short version of a long ass doctor appointment.  Every doctor has been great and I have not been kept waiting at all. I have also done my share of name dropping through this, it pays to know lots of people who know lots of people! Thanks to everyone who has been helping me, I am keeping a list and you will not be forgotten. I feel a little like a mafia princess dropping names that end in a vowel, getting boobs, asking for favors that cannot be refused, and kicking stupid breast cancer's friggin ass!!!

Evil Twin

Nurse-“This is just saline to flush out the vein.”

Me-“What no crack or heroin?”                       

Nurse-“No, I lost my supplier.”

Me-“I grew up over here. I could find you one.”

Nurse-“How do you do with needles?”

Me-“Fine. I shoot up daily”

Nurse-“WOW you have good veins, must go between the toes”

Thankfully the wonderful staff at St. Joe’s Imaging understood my sense of humor. Especially, when the nurse told MC I look familiar, maybe I have an evil twin, and she said "NO SHE IS THE EVIL TWIN", thanks beotch! For those who know me wel,l the MRI was not fun. I had to sit still, have a LOUD pounding in my ear, lay on my chest and NOT TALK for over 30 minutes!! I thought my head was going to erupt from comments, jokes and gripes. My sweet sweet friend’s husband Dr. Dave Kunz (radiologist) read my report after and explained it to me (well to MC; I did not understand what the hell they were saying).  He even did an ultra sound on the left breast because there was a spot. Here are the facts:

1.       It did not spread, great for me!

2.       She did not get it all, not so great.
3.     The other boob has a spot that would be “watched”closely, but it is getting lopped off so who cares!

4. Dave is going to send all my reports to Dana Faber in Boston for a reading as well. See it pays to know LOTS of people!!!

Next step….plastic surgeon tomorrow!! We will discuss what he will do and how big, all that good stuff. Tom is excited for that appointment.

Let’s say it again, EARLY DETECTION SAVED MY LIFE! Just you wait, stupid dumb breast cancer, I am taking you down!!! CURE OR BUST because I can imagine a cure....

Damn this is real?!

Wow! I feel like this is happening to someone else. I have gone through this with some many friends, now I am taking this stupid dumb adventure. Tomorrow starts the doctor visits, the waiting, the insurance issues and all I can think about is "I swear if I can not go to opening day at the Great New York State Fair, someone is going to get hurt". I will not let this LUMP in the road stop me. I will let it slow me down for a little. It will never pull me down. I will let my friends and family help me. I am saying this both to remind me to let them and for them to remember that I will need help. I got 4 friggin kids and a husband who will need a hand! I have beast mode on full blast. You have to make lemonade with those lemons, cause hell they are free lemons (just add tequila). Free boobs and all I had to do was get stupid dumb breast cancer!