I wasn't going to blog about this because I wanted more facts. But I think everyone needs to see how stupid dumb breast cancer controls you. Your mind and how you think. Mainly your body and how it reacts to the estrogen in it. In the past 5 days I have had person after person say "Aren't you glad it is over?" "You are lucky it was only breast cancer" "Now you can enjoy the holidays". So I need to vent.
It is NOT over. I have had a nodule on my thyroid for years that has been watched (not very good but still watched). They have aspirated it a couple of times, this is code for sticking a huge friggin needle into my neck and pumping out liquid without numbing it, yes it sucks as bad as it sounds. It has always been fine and honestly I never thought twice about it. OK, maybe a quick thought entered of some crazy ass disease but then thoughts of dinner or True Blood took over, I have ADD a little. Now what was I talking about??? Oh right, so my uncle suggested I get blood work done for my thyroid, well that is never cut and dry so a sono was put into play. The results are in people and..... There are 5 more nodules in addition to my 1, it is probably nothing but guess what?? I have stupid dumb breast cancer so whenever there is shit like this you worry. Especially, when "we have to rule out cancer" (this is said in my Darth Vader voice, makes it funnier to me). Really it is probably nothing but the thought of another MRI makes me sick. Like I have stated I do not enjoy laying still none the less not talking and now add that "BOOM BOOM BOOM" to it, UGH. The the dye crap they inject that makes my equilibrium off (ok more so than normal). If only it was Boom Boom POW of the Black Eyed Peas:) Off to the Thyroid Doctor today, let the question and answer and question games begin.
Lucky to have breast cancer??? Tell that to my 10 year old who sobbed the night before my mastectomy. Or to my husband who hated seeing me in pain. Better yet to my friend who had to have her expander taken out because it leaked, I am sure that she thinks she is so fucking lucky now. Or those people who have lost their life to stupid dumb breast cancer. It was not luck I got stupid dumb breast cancer, it was just what I got. I am not lucky that I got the "easy" cancer (cause my life has been sooooo NOT easy since May) it is just what cancer I got and I am dealing best I know how. Luck is not being played here, being healthy is. Every cancer is different for everyone, there is not luck in cancer.... it's fucking cancer people!!!
Enjoy the holidays, huh?? I get my implants in right before the holidays then meet with the GYN oncologist right after the holidays. Oh and I get another MRI, PET scan and blood drawn too for my 6 month check to come on say it with me "rule out cancer". Not enjoyable, BUT I will find a way to party do not worry. I am not saying that this is horrible rotten life and I will not get through this because I will, wearing heels and a smile.
You have to understand that cancer opens you up to so much that even going to the dentist is stressful, I am sure there is tooth cancer. It puts worry in your head and fright in your heart. I mean if something happens to me will Tom feed the children over the sink or will he use actual plates??? This is so far from over this is just my life now. It is not lucky or easy but doable especially if the 'cancer perks" keep rolling in. I am not stupid dumb breast cancer and it certainly is not me. It is just what is going on with my body and I fulling intend to .......