Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Do you see what I see....

I have been battling with the mirror for a while. Everyone knows what I mean, we see ourselves through this harsh image that is distorted and judgmental. I've been talking to several friends and its funny because none of us our listening to our own advice. Accepting ourselves, our bodies our life and embracing it. I have been struggling all week with these new boobs. Yes they "feel" better than the expanders, but they are not me, no way. I feel scared and tired and changed. I did not enjoy dress shopping the other day and how different I look in clothes, it was very difficult for me. I'm glad I had cookies and milk with me!  I feel like a hot ass mess, a HAM as my good friend Duke would say. I hate the way I've gained weight and can not wait to work out. I am disgusted with these scared, ripped, fake, nippless boobs! But I am alive and sitting here with my family while my phone goes off with friends and other family members worrying about how my day went. I am a breast cancer survivor and those breasts did not define or make me who I was. Yet, I know that is not what others see when they see me. I tell people all the time to look deep in that mirror and see what the world sees, I want to do that!

Yet when I look at this photo here is what I see.....
First, I want to state that when Genevieve sent this I cried ...hard. The symbolism of the blurred chest was profound. The picture as a breast cancer survivor speaks volumes and I know my warrior sisters will agree. I am a woman who is tired and scared. I am stressed and worried that my health could get worse at any moment. That at any doctors appointment, tests could come back with more bad news. I'm dreading another surgery but know that there is no other option. I am battling the beast and don't want to give in. I don't  think "Why  me?" but "This is me".  The crazy thing is this chest is not me any more, it is fake and has no feeling, yet when I look at it I feel so much. I have no feeling about how they look or what they are because they are so foreign to me. I feel pain and stress. I feel overwhelming guilt that I survived, yet power that I beat it at the same time. I see me, the same woman I was, but a woman who now looks at the world in a different light. I see the real side to breast cancer, I see my side of the journey! I am a woman who was not defined by cancer but refined by this battle!

 
This is what Tom sees......
AM, you asked me to add something here in part, I think, because you thought I would be uncomfortable with you posting this picture. I'm way past that at this point.  One thing I can say about this whole experience is that I've fallen in love with you in a way that seems more awake and urgent than ever before. When you showed me this photo, I told you it was beautiful. Yes, I see the pain and the stress. But I can also see past it and see someone that is so strong and so brave. I see someone whose beauty was not diminished by adversity, but was increased by it. It's a strange thought, but I think the sense of purpose you now have about your life was a gift that cancer never meant to give you. You will struggle through the physical changes and I believe you will arrive in a place that you can feel comfortable with yourself. It's hard for you to look in the mirror now, but it's just as hard for me to stop looking at you. xo 

14 comments:

  1. Beautiful post, Ann Marie! You are an amazingly strong woman to be able to share your vulnerability in this way. Wishing you growing peace and love for your new shape ~ it may not be the one God gave you but it is the one you chose and it is beautiful!

    p.s. Tom made me cry. Listen to him when the going gets rough. All good stuff from him.

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    1. Yes my journey has changed paths here. I hope these blogs posts have helpled you Nicole and not scare you. I just am telling how I feel and how my jounrney is unwrapping! Much love Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer sister!!

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  2. ok it's bad enough that you constantly make me cry, but now tom is doing it too...what a great post from both of you. this is such a time of change and realigning your perceptions. you are the butterfly emerging from the coocoon (or is it the crysalis, always forget, damn)seeing yourself in a whole new light. your beauty is evident in every photo taken, every post you make, every joke you make and everytime you help someone else who is struggling. if your best friend was the one in the photo, what words would you use to describe her? use those words when you look at your photo. tom summed it all up so when you are about to use a negative word to describe yourself, reread what he wrote. your beauty will never be effected by dumb cancer. i love you my sister. xo

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    1. I love you and the fact that after you read this you were so sweet to me then called me a twat! xo

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  3. This was such a beautiful blog post AM. You are so fricking awesome. Truly amazing sista!

    And yes... Tom totally made me misty eyed. Such a great hubby!

    xo

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    1. Thanks Ashley, I am sure that you understand this blog post. I think you are pretty fucking awesome too!

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  4. I couldn't pass this one by AnnMarie. I think it is amazing what you are doing, and that you are amazing. It is so wonderful how many people you are touching and helping. And Tom, well, he's a keeper. Love to both of you. Dana

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  5. What a raw, inspiring and honest post! You really are amazing and that energy of yours.. well I'm pretty far away from you.. but I can feel it even over here! I agree with the comment by mominthegarden; Tom is a keeper!

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    1. Lady no matter how far we are I feel it for you too! Cancer connection is real, inspring and supportive. Thinking of you today:)

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  6. The survival guilt, the things you feel looking into the mirror, the part about how your breasts don't define you, but others don't see it that way...yes, exactly.

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    1. If only we could clear the mirror and see it like they do!

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  7. So glad I am not the only survivor with those thoughts and my boobs feel foreign to me as well and I got my implants put in the same day as my bilateral mastectomy. That was February and they still feel weird.

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    1. I just sit here wondering if I should have not put them in! I hate how odd they feel. I am there with you survivor sister

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