Monday, August 26, 2013

Jigglers anyone?

See it jiggle it, watch it jiggle… I know you are thinking what the hell is she talking about. I went to my plastic surgeon today discuss what we are doing about this implants that my body doesn’t seem to like. I asked about the DIEP and he had to jiggle my belly to see if it was big enough. For the first time in my life sucking it in was not an option. Come to find out that cancer gave me just enough to have this with the disclaimer of small boobs. I was not a candidate for this originally but cancer gave me some extra weight. So I am onto a LONG surgery followed by 5 days in the hospital 2 of which are ICU this is no joke and not at all what I ever thought I was going to do but my gut (blahahah get it) is telling this is right. Totally getting some killer shoes for this stay!! Why the hell do I want this?? Well, let me start by saying these implants are not right, puckering and up to my throat and moving to the pits. None of those things look very good. The PS will fix my scars that are so raised up you can see them through shirts. The keloids are bad and they suck!!  That is the first and actually easy reason. Now on to the bigger… I feel like a friggin alien!!! I have no idea whose body this is that I am living in. I could not feel more for lack of incorrect grammar “faker” than I do right now. I constantly am aware of these 2 fake things attached to me. They are like a science experiment that I didn’t mean to do. I skipped lab in HS so this is not what I signed up for. I hate how they look when I take my clothes off it is like I see my head but what the hell am I attached to. And if one more person tells me how great they look I will seriously punch them. When get out of the shower I cry, a lot. There is such an emotional part to this journey that can only be described if you went through it. No breast does not define a woman but they are part of us. Whether you choose to be flat and fabulous, implanted or flapped out they are a part of you. Society puts a lot of focus on breasts and because of that we put notions in our own head of how our body should be. I want my old body back but I know that is not a reality. So what I need right now is to have me, no silicone just me. Part of this is that I am far from a fake, I am who I am like me or move on. I almost feel like with them I am impersonating someone. No I am not on crack I am totally straight. These implants have taken me and made me self-conscience and I hate that. I can’t even begin to explain the reasons why I do not have enough time and I do not want to bore the hell out of you. Now I know if you are reading this and never had cancer let alone breast cancer you are thinking “can’t she just be happy she is alive?” I can yes I can, but that is not the issue here. Cancer changes you so much and while I will never be back to my old self I want to feel little like me. Is this decision for everyone? No it is for me. I have friends that LOVE their implants and are doing great with them, or are flat and completely happy . I need to be myself really me whether you like me or not I have to like me and right now I am not digging this body. So I will shop for some stilettos and shine my tiara and get ready for one big ass surgery or better yet one gutsy surgery!!


  1. Dear AMER O,

    I am so very sorry with all that you have been through with those stooped implants. but I am so happy that you are headed towards what sounds like a solution to make you feel "real" again. I am sending my most powerful vibes for the success I KNOW will be yours, for healing, and for comfort. good for you for following your gut (and thank goodness you were able to grow that gut!) am here for you, cheering you on to much better days, and hope you can FEEL the love and light I am sending right to your sweet heart. XOXOXOXOXOXO, Karen, TC

  2. OPPS - I MEANT ...those stupid implants. sorry. xoxo, karen

  3. All I can say is, you are one tough broad! (And I mean that with all the love and respect hose small words can hold.)
    I've never had cancer, but I can understand (on a different level) looking in the mirror and not knowing whose body your head is sitting on. Or feeling like your body and life conspired to betray the shit outta ya.
    It's one hell of a hard, scary road you're starting on and I wish you all the luck and love you'll need times a hundred! And or course, I hope you'll know that besides the love and support of your friends and family, there are a ton of us "strangers" rooting for you! *hugs*

  4. You go, girl!! Being semi-happy with your physical body, after the cards you've been dealt, is the least you can expect... and deserve! Hurray for you!! Don't forget... we want pictures. Of the stilettos, of course!! :-D

    Remember... this surgery will be a distant memory someday too. Just like everything else.

    Love ya~ Andrea

  5. I wasn't able to get reconstruction after my partial, cant find a plastic surgeon who will take this crappy state insurance. So I completely understand and know how you feel, I try not to look in the mirror when I am undressed anymore, it is too damn painful. I cry in the shower and even after I get dressed, I can see the difference and it is embarrassing. I know it is not my fault, (stoopid damn crappy breast cancer)I hate the fucking reminder every damn day.... Sorry for the rant.
    Anyway, I wish you the Best of luck with the next surgery,sending prayers & good thoughts!! hopefully it will be the best thing ever!

  6. I've had my implants for about two months. They still feel like foreign objects in my body. I can't cross my arms. I don't sleep we'll on my side, on my back, or any position. I hate them. I had no idea that a DIEP procedure might still be an option. Something I may have to look into. I'll have smaller foobs, but might be worth it to be comfortable again.

  7. AM,
    We had this conversation standing in your driveway not too long I know you know I feel the exact same way. If I could erase the last two years of my life, I would in a heartbeat. Oh to have my own breasts back...But here we are, in reality, stuck with a patchwork of scars, numb chests (and back in my case) and a feeling of wondering...wondering who we are now, wondering if we'll ever feel normal, or even what "normal" will be, wondering if we'll ever be able to look at ourselves in the mirror again without cringing or crying, wondering will we ever feel sexy again(I highly doubt it for me), wondering if one day this will all be a distant memory and the depression will fade.
    I never considered myself "defined" by my boobs, but I knew who I was with them, and I knew how to wear clothes to enhance them, but in my current state, all I want to do is cover them up. Clothes don't fit like they used to, so now I feel like I need to learn how to dress all over again. There are days I think of having them removed and just keeping the muscle & tissues from my latissimus surgeries to make the mounds, but dressing them would still be an issue. Perhaps if I were 30lbs thinner, it would be doable, but to have my waist be bigger than my chest would not be in the best interest of my body image as it's already in the tank as it is. =P Anyway, it is what it is...we just have to figure out a way to live with it.
    I wish you luck in your next chapter. I pray the surgery is a success and that you are happy with the end result. Hugs!! Love you! xoxoxoxo

    1. I love you simply love you. Our driveway talk was one of the best therapies I eve had xoxoxoxo

  8. Thanks for the information... I really love your blog posts... specially those on IPT (Insulin Potentiation Therapy)
    For Cancer