I'm bringing me back......Please sing to the tune "I'm bringing sexy back by Justin Timberlake)

What a friggin year?! I mean seriously. I started 2013 with a hysterectomy and ended with a DIEP. Big body reconstruction! Cancer has taken my life in so many directions my head is still spinning, ok it could be the pain killers but still. I would not have had either of those operations if it wasn't for cancer. I am going to use 2014 to get my friggin body back! Tone arms, fit legs and healthy overhaul that's what my plan is, dare I say resolution?? I am usually one to bitch about that word it always seems to be a fail for most.

We all say we are changing for the new year, but does it work? I think we make unrealistic goals for ourselves then get all pissed off when we fail. The gym fills up with people that swear they will exercise most last for a good 2 months then life takes over. Some talk the health food way and kick off the new year with smoothies and juicing, after a few weeks they are done and hit Birger. King Then there is the people that swear they will do community service and one maybe two trips to Sally Ann (Salvation Army for those who don't know) and they think their deeds are done. I know I know there are plenty of people that stick to this and get fit, change their diets and become philanthropist-I say Whoot Whoot for them but I'm talking about the rest of us.

Cancer changed my thinking about life, changes and resolutions. It made me realize that we need to revamp our life daily. Maybe that work out isn't right for you on a day when your body is exhausted and physically can't handle it. Sometimes you just need to put the Vitamixer away and have some home made Mac n' cheese. We have to learn to "let go", it's so difficult. Cancer taught me that you can ask people for help and you have to let them help you. Not just for you but them, everyone needs a job and sometimes that job is pulling drains. Cancer taught me that no matter what giving kindness to your fellow people is major to keeping all things balanced. You don't know what that person in line at Target who is bitching and grumbling is going through so maybe helping them by a simple smiling is all they need.


I want 2014 to be all it can but I know sometimes I just can't do it all (crap not only did I say that but it's in writing!). This DIEP changed me yet again (another new normal!!!). I feel stronger than I ever did before. I feel like I looked at cancer again with my tiara on and my fists up (quoted from my gf Kathy in Cali) and said "I'm getting me back". Cancer takes, takes and takes some more from us. It
takes our pride, our dignity, it takes our smiles and gives us depression, it takes our sleep and leaves un zombie like insomniacs, it takes our confidence and turns it into doubt, it takes our health and makes us hypochondriacs, it takes our sex life and makes us celibate (the dirty bastard),  sometimes our friends and even our spouses are taken away because of cancer, it takes our bodies and attacks it like a beast, it takes our perspective on life and twist and turns it, it even takes a can of "who-hash". Cancer is a greedy bastard just like the Grinch but never has a change of heart no matter how much we sing, dance, wear pink boas or blog. For that reason me taking back my body in 2014 is essential to my battle. I am healing well physically from this major surgery real well, I'm in pain and sore but healing  great. The bigger change is mental, I'm so happy mentally the new me is feeling less depressed. That is an awesome why to stick it to cancer because it loves depression it actually feeds on it.


What will 2014 bring for you? Will you add something to your life or get rid of the trash? Maybe you will choose to make a life altering move or maybe you will choose to simply smile more?! You are not a tree you can move and change, make that first step big or small the choice is up to you. I am all about replanting this year and I will tell ya I kill fake plants so this is going to be a challenge!

Tomorrow I go with my family to start the New Year off with family, friends, food, laughter, yelling, fighting, food, drinking, games, food, napping, food and did I mention food.  I am so excited for this day it's my favorite day if the year. I maybe tried still and a little sore maybe even constipated too but ya know what??? My tiara is on, it's shined and glittery because I'm so proud of this last chapter. I have never been proud of myself until the doctor cut off my implants, ripped opened my stomach then took some tissue and made me a set of two warm, soft toobs that are just me!! And there is only one me afterall.

Human patch work quilt, kind of gross yet amazing at the same time

I have been playing with this blog post in my head, which if you have ever been on 3 different types of pain killers can be a crazy place.  DIEP is no friggin joke people no joke. I have two large incisions on my breasts that are healing nice, 6 new drain hole marks (I hate those god damn mother fucking drains), a new and improved belly button, and a big ass cut from side to side in my pelvic area. Let's break it all down shall we?!

 

The toobs (if you are new here I'm calling them toobs because they are tissue made boobs) are soft, real looking and WARM! No more cold foobs, no more. We will watch the scars for keloids, but we are on top of it now. This is just what I wanted these toobs oh glorious toobs.  I know that this seems so cray cray (as the kids say) to some but to me I just took two parts of me back from cancer! Take that you stupid dumb breast cancer beast.

 

Drains! Why do we hate you so?? Well you are gross tubes coming out of the side of us. When they tug on things we think they will be ripped outta our bodies. They have to be dumped 4 times today, grossssssss! They itch like crazy and by crazy I mean like I am going to go nuts and I can't scratch them. Oh and did I tell you that you have to hang them around your next when you shower?? Again gross. The only thing they are worth is when your kids are screwing up threaten to make them dump those JP Morgan grenades.  Totally works. I won't even go into when they pull them out, the feeling you have oy vey.

 

Someone told me that the DIEP/TRAM is similar to a c-section. Really?? My incision  without exaggerating goes from my butt check bone on the left to the butt check bone on the right. Please tell me how many babies came out that big, you can't cause there are none!!  The other point here is that when giving birth which is amazing does not involve the removing of tissue and muscle to make breasts in a 10 hour surgery, 2 day stay in ICU, 3 more in hospital.   Keep these things in mind when you try you comparisons out on people.

 

The following pictures are very graphic, very. Quote from my husband "Are you going to post those?" I debated but I really feel like they need to be seen. This was 2 days after surgery. I am very very swollen and have gone down a lot since and I mean a lot. And am starting to take shape nicely, I'm looking forward to watching my body heal. It's been through a lot and I'm so happy with this chapter. FYI I am in a lot of pain physically but mentally I feel the healing beginning.

 

 

I will leave you with this story....

I get an email from a sweet chick who my cousin gave my contact to. We chatted back and forth via email. We talked doctors a few times about recon and our upcoming surgery. Wait when is your surgery? Just so happens that my DIEP is Wednesday and Michelle is getting her mastectomy on Friday, on the floor that I will be moved to. Wouldn't it be funny if we met?? At 3ish on Friday I just got out of ICU they said ok let's get you up to me. So I put my wedges on, no just kidding that wasn't happening this time, so I get my sandals on and start walking. I was dizzy, light headed, nausea but I was up and walking. And I was heading to room 5037 the exact room that I had my mastectomy in. MC and my nurse were with me and we saw some people milling around, it was Michelle's family and she was back in her room. Her husband waved me,  I cannot express how happy I was. There is nothing like a breastie hug nothing. We meet in the halls again for another walk but the texting was already outta control by then, I hope she has unlimited!

 

I can never ever explain the feeling of meeting someone with cancer, someone who gets your crazy thoughts, your happy ones, your guilt and your pain. They understand when to give advice, listen or cry. They just get it. The bonds I have made through this are insane. I met Jaime another badass cancer ass kicker, a few weeks ago and if a few days go by without a text I worry. Just today in a simple chat with a breastie left me feeling relieved that someone gets me and what cancer warriors need, she has a great name too (hint it's Anne Marie).  Next week I will be meeting someone that I have been talking to for almost a year. We have shared some private info and some good girl friend chat but most of all we lean on each other. I'm so excited so excited!

 

I'm not ready to rock my tiara but the pink boa is near by.  I am looking forward to getting physically better each day, having my mind heal a little each day and starting 2014 new and improved!

DISCLAIMER this took way longer than I ever thought and trust when I say I didn't write enough, maybe I should try youtube videos were I talk!!!!

 

 

Hahah stupid dumb breast cancer I got two pieces of me back, sucka!

Cookies for the hospital staff and shoes for me!

The surgery was a success! Ohhhhhh yeah. I have soft toobs (tissue boobs), I am so so happy. Drugged and in pain but satisfied. I came into the hospital with some badass wedges with lots of sparkle and try full of Italian cookies for the staff Yes  I used bribery even brought another tray for the ICU staff. OPPS did however forget my posse in the waiting room where they waited for 10 hours. They all know where the cookies are. 

Back to the toobies, I have the bestest plastic surgeon on the planet and his side kick amazaboobs. They did a great job and can't wait to show my breasties when they heal. The doctors took two. Swollen lymph nodes which were benign, bam! The entire staff is wonderful, I Mean really wonderful. They are smart, sarcastic and attending to my every whim which can be a little crazy. 

Thanks so much for all your love, support tweets, FB and Instagram comments. I can very drugged up  and trying to respond when I can. 

I just. Have to say this... Hahahahaahahahahahahaha cancer I for two pieces of me back! Sucker!! My tiara is shined and boa is fluffed but for now it's nap time! 

Hey all-
AM went into surgery around 8:30 this morning. Gonna be a long one. She should be out around 5:00 pm. Did she wear crazy heels and make homemade cookies for the hospital staff? Why, yes, she did. Photos coming when I can get to them. My wife kicks ass at surgeries...I'll post again when she is out. Tom. 

All I want for Christmas is a wax and stilettos ....

What??? It's totally normal! 

My amazaboobs family "strong like bull"

No really all I can think about is "shit I need a wax". Some people prep for surgery by packing their bags, making meals and freezing them and getting the house in order. Truth is I threw some pjs into a bag with my make up bag cause I am so sure I will be up for applying foundation! My breastie Amy came by with stuffed peppers, lasagna, chili and a whole bunch of other goodies so why would I bother?? As far as the house goes, well shit it ain't gonna crumble. I know if Nikki is reading this she is so proud! The old me would have gone over board packing, cooking and cleaning, the new me ain't got time for that!! Yes all I can think about is shit I need a wax and I don't just mean ear brow. I got a hair cut last week, I have my priorities!! But am running outta steam and time doc appointment tomorrow got switched and it's messing with me. My very sweet girlfriend owns a salon and wants me to stop in, maybe I'll let her do my EYEBROWS! Doesn't everyone get a Brazilian before a DIEP??

Shoes, can we please talk shoes!! I have looked a little but haven't found the right ones. I mean they gave to not only have attitude, be fabulous and sparkly but go with a hospital gown. Do you have any idea how hard that is?? Wear something you have you're thinking, possible but come on it's a 10 hour surgery!! I deserve a pair of shoes that will keep our (by our I mean the posse that will show up with me) minds off the surgery and on to things that make you feel strong. What does that better than a 6 inch stiletto??? Plus it's a trademark we don't want to let the hospital staff down. Shoes make me feel strong and full of attitude, just what I need to go into surgery where I will be laying flat while my very capable doc and his lovely smart assistant does their magic! This is his "signature surgery" seriously it is. He is one of 40 doctors in the US that do these. I feel like I'm getting the Dolce & Gabbana of plastics I think amazaboobs shoes are a must!

A little partyyyyyy to say bye bye to the foobs!

Am I scared?? No I won't be doing anything but laying there and I know how to do that just fine. I have awesome doctors by my side not to mention I'm brining a tray of Italian cookies so they will be on their game. The recovery will suck but it's doable, the healing will take time but it's doable, I will slowly get a little of me back and that's do-fucking-able. This has to happen for me, for my mind and body. Cancer took so much from me I feel like I'm taking back just a little. Tom will post Wednesday when I go in and throughout the day, remember it's 10 hours and he will not be nearly as witty as me but the grammar will be impeccable! I wonder how fast my posse will annoy the waiting room staff, I wonder how much coffee MC and Tom will drink, I wonder how many times my dad will say "how do you think it's going in there", I wonder how many times GDeb will get everyone something anything to calm them, I wonder if my sister will breathe, I wonder if my brother will stay. The great thing is they all have to deal with each other without me answering, telling them what to do, what to
get or organizing lunch. Really if you think about it they are getting the break! All I know is someone better be shining my friggin tiara!!

Yup Dolce & Gabbana, do they come in a 6.5?!?

We are family, I got all my doll heads and me

We are family



I was going to write something to honor my sisters bday but my brain is so fried. I kept singing this song from when we were kids and I reread the lyrics. They really embody our family. I can see my sister and I dancing around the house belting this out not really giving it much thought. But now as I read then I think "oh hell yes!!"  Happy birthday to my disco Queen sister from her baby princess sister. I love you so much. Thanks for being your late, ding dong, salad making, disco ball, iPad, ever loving tricolor Italian cookie self!

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

Foob job, take 2

Today I saw my breasties foobs and I must say they look amazaboobs. Like I am talking wow. She had the gummy bear ones put in and I was blown away at how real they look. The shape, the size and how they sit all look so real. She had a nipple grafted then tattooed areoles and now she looks well for lack of a better word normal. She feels great (well minus the hysterectomy, thanks BRCA 1 gene) because she is completely satisfied with how they look. I agree they do look fabulous. I never thought I would talk about another woman's breasts this much but hey I have to give props to her plastic surgeon, so happy we share the same doc.
I find myself jealous of my friends breasts. I know that is a typical chick issue, the old “I wish I had her boobs” but this is different. I have never been a jealous girl but lately I am feeling that way. I look at how Renee, Lisa, Nancy, Rebecca and so many others have healed so beautiful. I do not just mean the shape but the scars. The keloids I get are so pronounced and painful that when I see these smooth, soft breasts I get jealous. I got cancer big friggin deal so did 2.5 million other people but the scars that it left me with are what pisses me off. I know, I know a scar is showing I survived, that I am stronger than whatever tried to hurt me, no shit I quote those all the time but sometimes its hard to see past that when you have 2 ten inch scars across your foobs with 4 holes in the side that you can feel 24/7. My scars do not heal clean and smooth and pretty. They are raised, red and painful. There is a major difference.
I am jealous of them being satisfied too. I am so happy for them that their journey, story or whatever you want to call it has brought them to a place of comfort. I would like a little of that. I hate literally hate like I want to beat someone one senseless these foobs. Nobody ever tells you that part the emotional part of the fake boobs. they pump the perky shit like crazy but they cant prepare your mental state.When my breastie and I compared foobs (that is what we do at Warrior Wellness) between the scars and the shape of mine and the beauty and realness of hers I was smack in the face with boobs!!! It blew me away how mine look, it blew me away with sadness and anger. I want these fake foreign bricks gone far away before they shift into my back! That would give an whole new meaning to back fat. Remember this is my page to bitch!
As I prepare for the DIEP next week, December 11 I feel excited. Yes I said excited!!!! I want to get a little bit of me back, I feel like I am taking back what cancer took. I have talked to all my breasties and got all the horror stories, ALL of them. I have also got the “it sucks but its doable” and I am ready. I have also heard them tell me how great they feel, a little like themselves. I am armed with a recliner, abdominal binder, meal train, stool softener, drugs and a do not disturb sign (do you know my family???). I know the recovery will be difficult but I know this is what I need. It is not about how they look in my clothes, I see you all looking. I know they look fine there. It is how they look and feel to me, its my body. I am beyond uncomfortable, I am aware of the fake boobs all the time, I am not happy, Do I have to do this surgery?? That is a dumb ass question so do not ask it. I will however answer it…YES. for my body, my mind and my health. I have the best surgical team and they are prepared for a 10 hour surgery. I told them to please feel free to take a break and have a snack.
I am going show shopping this week for a badass, killer pair of stilettos. I am giving this surgery all the attitude I can gather. Which at this point isn't a lot so I need the shoes, much like Wonder Woman needs her bracelets, ohhhhh bracelets.  I am taking my body BACK, but still a princess.  My tiara will be on my nightstand ready for me when I get home from the hospital, do not even think about touching it. Just for the record she does rock a tiara and killer shoes!!!
 

I see a serious resemblence