Saturday, February 23, 2013

Butterfly in the sky....

The way the words hit you when you hear "I'm sorry, it's cancer" is hard, the emotions that come after- hard, the hurt in your families face- hard, the surgeries/procedures/treatment- all hard. But the aftermath that cancer leaves is devastating. The change mentally is draining. I have major survivor guilt. How come I got out alive but Cindi was put to rest this week, it doesn't seem right. I am no better than any other warrior battling cancer, yet here I sit. This week I went out for the first time by myself, just to Target, but I was so excited. It was so strange, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't even want to shop! wtf I am an extrovert, I will really be pissed if cancer changed me into an introvert!
Sex, well that is a joke right now. I know you are reading this saying TMI but the reality is that this is a common issue with cancer survivors. I will not go into full detail lets just say its unchartered water that needs boating lessons.....
The truth is all that is easy,  the physical change can leave you filled with hate. I have days when I can not stand this body. It makes me sick. I have gained weight, if one more person tells me they are doing TRX I'm gonna drop kick them. I want to be that badass work out bitch I was 6 months ago, damn Gina remember how much I was squatting?? I feel so incredibly weak it makes me feel deflated. I know it will take time but this has got to stop.
 The scars are just, well, they are there. Sometimes I'm all badass and hardcore like "ya my scars show I kicked cancers ass, I rock!". Then other days I just want them gone. I don't want to feel the scar tissue build up, the way my body keloids, the way my breasts are inanimate objects that mean NOTHING now. I want to actually have feeling in my chest!
This isn't a whine or a "woe is me cry", it is the truth. How I deal is by having events that raise money and awareness to stupid dumb breast cancer, and cancer in general. I want to make cancer awareness  a loud yell,  not a whisper. I want it heard, seen, understood, treated and CURED! The only way for this to happen is to keep talking about it. Just cause you are told are cancer free or your chemo ends or you are 3 years out of radiation doesn't mean you just go on with life. Cancer changes you to the core: physically, mentally, emotionally!
 This is my favorite quote and why on Tuesday I start the tattooing of my chest with a butterfly. No no no I didn't get cancer just to get more ink, it is just a cancer perk!


  1. I love that quote, too! That was the inspiration for the tattoos I got on my ankles. A caterpiller with the word TODAY on one anle and a butterfly with the word TOMORROW on the other ankle.
    Can't wait to see your new tattoo.

  2. This is my first visit to your blog and I am beyond impressed! Your eloquent words, your raw honesty...thank you for sharing your life with the rest of us.
    And I ADORE your header! Perfect!

  3. I've been visiting your blog almost everyday since you mentioned it on facebook. I admire your courage for the photos, and I shared them with my husband last night. It was the first time that he saw how I may look after surgery. Scary, real, beautiful...and alive. You have work yet to be done, advice to be shared and lessons to teach. If I have the brca gene, i'll be following your path, including the hysterectomy. And whether they like it or not, in the OR, I'll be rockin the pink stilettos. Y!!!ou inspire me

    1. When? When does your journey begin? Thanks for your kind words, they men more than anyone will understand. If you need to go shoe shopping I'm your girl, xo!

  4. Once again you express the feelings we all feel, perfectly. I love that you are doing butterflies. I'm going for daisies. I have some daisies that each year come back brighter and bigger. I want to come back brighter! Keep up your yell - you're awesome~

  5. AMER O, we're "patiently" waiting for the genetic counselor from Geisinger to contact me for the testing. I called them again today, it's been 2 weeks that I've waited. I don't need counseling, my mind is made up, take my f'in breasts, just get off their asses an begin this! I don't have time for all this waiting!!!! I'm a fourth straight line first generation cancer harborer, let's get this done. If you feel like it my email is Shine bright *

  6. Loved this AM. That quote often ran through my mind when I finished chemo. A caterpillar 'visited' me in a strange way on a sunny day in August... It was a reminder to me that I have to be patient with the process. Thanks for sharing this.