Love him or hate him

My dear sweet brother ...blahahahahahahahaha! My brother is the kind of person you turn to when you want the ultimate truth, when need help moving a body, when you need back up, when you need to be loved. He loves with his whole heart does things only because he wants to which means he loves you enough to do it.  His advice is always given even if you don't want to hear it. He gives his all to a relationship and expects you to do the same. He speaks his mind whether you want him to or not. And he has taught me how to do all that I just added my touch to it. He drives me nuts when he stops over at 7am but I don't want him to ever stop, ever. He won't read this cause he hates to see my chest, he used to change my diapers to its weird to him. He called every day, stopped by but still felt helpless. I saw the pain in his eyes while I went through everything. There was no body to move, he was just pissed at cancer. He never left my side through all this and was right were my kids needed by their side. He is the godfather to my son Sam and the perfect choice. I love my brother and would do all the above and more for him. I need him in my life and my kids. Happy birthday to the best back up a princess could have! 


 

Oh and happy birthday to my sweet god daughter Nicole. I love you  my little munchkin and really really look forward to your 21st birthday! You getting that tattoo means more to me than I think you will ever understand. I want you to never have to go through what I did, ever and for that I will always fight. I also don’t want you to get pregnant right now so use protection, just saying. Thanks for all you have done for me this year. Now be a good girl and shine my tiara!! 

Vacation all I ever wanted....

my man!!!

Yup that fanily

Jello is our staple

Sand in my toes, junk food in the bags, girl magazines ready, Patron in effect, J E L L O,  metal detector ready for action and NO DRAINS!! This is going to be a great vacation add the 3 bottles of "Cheezy Does It" and it will be amazing. Seriously last year was plain awful (singing a little Annie to this I hope). Sure we laughed a lot but I was in so much pain coming a week off my mastectomy. I couldn't help the way I normally do actually I do tend to take over. I was simply exhausted by the time we left the beach that it the only thing I could do was sit. Don't get me wrong I barked orders just fine but I am a doer. I mean poor Megan had to carry 50 pound sand bags and lets face she weighs 100 pounds wet! Rosie can barely handle the Jell-O shots without me and I was too tired to really help. Ok I will admit it we are "that family" on the beach you know the one. With the cabana, music, 6 coolers, 12 chairs, soccer net, enough food to feed the beach, and loud very loud. Last year though we were all a little more toned down, no really we were. We were waiting on my pathology report, waiting good times. My famil was so nice to me, helping me, not letting me do squat. I am pretty sure that will change this year and I am so happy to be back to normal. Whatever normal is! 

I can't wait for coconut ice cream at Sundae School, lobstah rolls from Arnold's, bone fire on the beach with our friends, bocce ball and getting my sun on! I know how exciting it is to go away, how you need it. But this year we REALLY need it. Not just from stupid dumb breast cancer but from stupid dumb heart attack too. I brought my dad to the Cape 15 years ago and we have been going ever since. Cape Cod is our happy place. Not just because its lovely but because some of our favorite people are there with us.  And this year we are adding my nephew too, boy is in for it. These are the  people that make me happy even when they are pissing me off, people that no matter what still treat me like a princess. Crap I hope I packed my tiara!

Hope, Live, Love



Coconut Ice Cream for the nuts!



My King

My side kick






Mid-Western BFF Birthday

Sometimes someone pops into your life and you have no idea what direction the relationship will have. Years ago I met Genevieve and I thought she is nice but I will be real friends. As time went on we got closer and closer sharing personal experiences and dark secrets (I think she once said she was a spy shhhhh). Funny how this loud mouth Italian became so close with this quiet Mid-Western girl. She was that friend that stood by me through this whole journey not  leaving me side. Even when there was blood, scars and drains. She healed heal me through her photos in a way that I do not think she even understands. She made me feel like I was going to be ok through those pictures. Those photos then inspired and empowered and encouraged and helped so many other woman. I don’t think Genevieve will ever understand the magnitude of these pictures and I hope she will never have to. I am not only so happy to have her as my friend, I am so proud that she is my BFF. Thanks “G” for everything you have done. I am so happy your parents decided to have sex and make you. Happy birthday to my Mid-Western BFF.

Mastectomyversary?

Here we go

Cancer is a funny thing. You have your DX anniversary, your cancer free anniversary, your first chemo, your last chemo, rads and any drug your started anniversary, your surgery anniversary and whatever hell else you make up. Some are easy and you barely notice them or they just make you smile. Then there are the ones that remind you of what really altered you. For me that is today.

Hugs not drugs, wait I need the drugs

I keep holding back tears yet I am not sure what I am crying for, The fact I am here and this year was tougher but made me tougher (as if I needed help). The fact that my body has changed so much it has made me a self-conscience freak (as if I needed to fly my freak flag more). Or is it the loss of body parts that I find myself for no other word, sad. Unless you lost a body part you cannot understand the feeling. I wish I had the fancy shamancy words to help those who have never experienced it but I don’t, I only have made up ones to drive Tom and Jennifer nuts. That is really the thing, there are not any right words it’s just a feeling. You are so happy that the part is gone because it tried to poison your body, but shit you are sad they are gone. Then you are thrilled to be alive yet pissed off that this is happening and you cannot control it. It is a roller coaster for sure. OMG that is it I am calling it the “viper” emotion. I am simply brilliant. Applause now please! I remember surgery day so well. Getting up after absolutely no sleep whatsoever, talking to Alissa all night long,  Sammy boy crying himself to sleep holding my hand, Meg half asleep telling me she loved me, MC pulling up to pick us up in the darkness of the morning, the ride there and the check in. Seeing my dad and how strong he was trying not cry (for those new to this show I had a no crying rule). This was major for my dad, major. My badass brother coming into the room hugging and running literally out the door because he was going to cry (he came back a little drunk and cried a little). G-Deb trying hard to not cry but sneaking out for coffee when I knew what she was doing. Genevieve snapping shots that I thought were funny yet not really understanding the impact of what these pictures were going to do to me. My sister showed up late which was perfect for 2 reasons, “that’s Lori” and there was no way she could do the no crying rule. MC, well there are no words none. She was right there not leaving me and joking the entire time just what I needed. Then there was Tom, fool ate a full breakfast right in front me the ass. He couldn’t look me in the eyes I knew why; he was so scared and didn’t want me to see. This was not just an in and out surgery and the uncertainty was intense. When we did look at each other just enough to understand. Then waking up. Drugged, in pain wondering what the hell you look like. The drains that no one can prepare you for what they feel, smell like. How you are so nervous yet the drugs make you so confuse those emotions. Walking for the first time, no memory yet I have pictures to prove I did. the nurses were great and I will never for them especially Emily. Funny how a stranger can give you so much love and care. Seeing my kids via FaceTime, loved that just loved it. They got to see I was ok and I was. Wondering what the hell was next and having no control over it. I can look back on this day and be proud for sure. It turned my life around. I feel like my journey has helped others so much and for that I will take 2 for the team. I can also be pissed that this journey has given me low self-esteem and broke my heart. I can be so happy that I am alive and beating up cancer (we all know the journey doesn’t end with the last “whatever”). I can be guilt ridden that I am alive when so many have taken wings. I can be empowered by their amazing courage too. I can be depressed that this journey has showed me so many amazing people that have lost their battle. I can also be overcome with sheer glee (yes I said glee now shut the front door) that I have made some of the best or breast friends of my life. This journey has taught me just who my friends are and how amazing the really are. It has brought my family even closer (almost to the scary creeper side) than I ever imagined. So how can I argue with that? Yet I still cry and really if you are reading this and have never experienced cancer at its finest you cannot get it. I am so happy yet I want to cry on this day like a big ol’ friggin baby. There is no doubt that we all experience cancer different but I will tell you this part is how it just is. I know so many survivors struggling with this and it sucks the big cancer stick. Stupid dumb breast cancer, ARGGGG!! Today will come and go and I will be fine. I will flip through these pictures and remember where I was, how far I have come and what is still down this long ass fucking bumpy road. Maybe I will cry, maybe I will smile or even laugh just a little. Whatever I do this is my journey and I will do it my way like or leave the page but don’t hate. I will do it in stilettos, a tiara and a pink boa (just for my militant friends)!

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer: It just hit me you have breast cancer

I was all set to write a new post then I decided to read last year's one. So as I type I am crying. Yes I have come a LONGGGG way but to think about this time last year overwhelms me. The emotions, the anger, the fright comes all rushing back. When I say fright I mean like scared shit less could die not Freddy Kruger in the boiler room.  I will never forget that and I do not want to. I want to remember how I felt so I can help all those joining the club, this horrible loving supportive cancer club.

Last year this time I was stressing real stress as I prepared for surgery. I cannot believe it has been a year, it seems like yesterday…….

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer: It just hit me you have breast cancer: Design by Margret Says my girlfriend who has been with me every step of the way, dumb ass DUH! You know when you need to be injected wit...

Run for Life



Right before surgery my girlfriends signed my chest with LOVE

I have been thinking non stop about this Melissa Etheridge song and I always attribute it to Race for the Cure. It really isn't about literally running a race to me. It is about running for life. DUH, I know the title is “I Run for Life” but I was thinking in the walk/race sense.
It has been almost a year since they cut into my body (July 20) yet the pain isn't miles behind me. That mirror is a reminder about where I was, how far I came and what is still in store.  The fear is still a fierce beast roaring into my ear every now and then. Not just for me but I am talking for all my warrior friends no matter their cancer. I keep on spreading the word because it is the hope I need to comfort my fellow warriors. It keeps me whole and keeps me sane which we all know is a hard task.  I am still learning so much about cancer, the gift that keeps on giving. The emotional part the doctors forget to tell you and the after effects that I think get brushed under the carpet.  The pain of the scars, anxiety that it will come back, the fear that my friends will die, the happiness that I am alive, the guilt that I am still here and how to cope with all those emotions in every day life. That is the darkness that you start to possess.
There is no doubt that cancer cuts into your body but your soul?? Yes wise ass I have a soul. It did cut into my soul but my family, friends, Cancer Connection peeps healed that and made it stronger. Through them and all those angels that have taken wings we RUN! Not for a walk/race but for LIFE. Those that enter this horribly yet beautiful club, it doesn’t matter the cancer to our warriors we are all running together. For Talia, Andrew, Lola, Lara, Ciel, DeeAnn, Jen, Ashley, Nancy, Anne Marie, Anne, Scorchy, Jenny, Jeri, Maria, Lauren, Heather, Scott, Jackie, Bridget, Zach, Kathy, Norma, Molly and all the others I have grown to call my friends we together with those who love and support us come out of the darkness and shine on. So remember if the darkness comes to you there is a whole team running for you, for your sister, your wife, your friend running for answers.  Wearing a tiara of course!
I Run for Life
It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken it's toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
Ohohohoh
I run for your mother your sister your daughter your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life

Just keeping it interesting

No shit

 

I just don't even know where to begin. Lets start with what makes me mad then we can get to what pisses me off part. I went to the plastic surgeon today. I actually wasn't too nervous because I needed them to look at my scars. They are red, swollen, painful and just not right. I knew something had to be done because my Patrick Fuller couldn't do much more with the massaging they hurt horrible. He even tried a little cupping, OUCH!!!  I am not a wimp I'm a lot of other things but not a wimp. So she decided to try injections, great a needle!  She did about 7 pricks and wow fucking wow. My eyes watered, I felt nothing but nerve pain. I know you are saying "but you can't feel anything" it's not the same it's more like pain in the skin. She wanted to do more but I physically couldn't handle it. I know wimp, pansy, wuss call me whatever that shit hurt. I am not to touch or massage the area for over a week, ha it hurts so bad right now there is no way in hell I am touching it. Tom better not even think about it. So if that doesn't work maybe laser or surgery to fix the scars but first we need to figure out what's going on with these implants. I'm sorry come again....

For weeks I have been bitching these implants have been in my arm pits, they have been choking me, didn't feel right, looked too fake but I blew it off because it must just be how it is supposed to be. They are fake boobs after all they aren't meant to be real BUT my PS is the man for boobs and these aren't comfortable. I even thought about not having any taking them out completely that is how uncomfortable they are.

Well guess what .... They are not right. They are shifting to my arm pits, they are "dimpling" at the right breast, you can actually see/feel the implant and they are too rounded not sitting right. So bye fucking bye! Yup you heard me another surgery. They are coming out before I have arm pit boobs, who the hell wants those except circus freaks (no comments here!) September 20 I just can't believe it. I could leave it but really they are not right and shifting, who wants that! Easy cancer my left tit! there is no such thing. Are you glad I am done? I swear if you say that to me I will clock you and by clock I mean punch directly in the face even if I have to stand on a stool. 

Back to the drawing board. I'm a work in progress. Under construction. Being a mess is exhausting. All I can can say is this will require some bad ass heels, this princess is think Jimmy! Or Christian! Or Tory! So many options.