Butterfly in the sky....

The way the words hit you when you hear "I'm sorry, it's cancer" is hard, the emotions that come after- hard, the hurt in your families face- hard, the surgeries/procedures/treatment- all hard. But the aftermath that cancer leaves is devastating. The change mentally is draining. I have major survivor guilt. How come I got out alive but Cindi was put to rest this week, it doesn't seem right. I am no better than any other warrior battling cancer, yet here I sit. This week I went out for the first time by myself, just to Target, but I was so excited. It was so strange, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't even want to shop! wtf I am an extrovert, I will really be pissed if cancer changed me into an introvert!
Sex, well that is a joke right now. I know you are reading this saying TMI but the reality is that this is a common issue with cancer survivors. I will not go into full detail lets just say its unchartered water that needs boating lessons.....
The truth is all that is easy,  the physical change can leave you filled with hate. I have days when I can not stand this body. It makes me sick. I have gained weight, if one more person tells me they are doing TRX I'm gonna drop kick them. I want to be that badass work out bitch I was 6 months ago, damn Gina remember how much I was squatting?? I feel so incredibly weak it makes me feel deflated. I know it will take time but this has got to stop.
 The scars are just, well, they are there. Sometimes I'm all badass and hardcore like "ya my scars show I kicked cancers ass, I rock!". Then other days I just want them gone. I don't want to feel the scar tissue build up, the way my body keloids, the way my breasts are inanimate objects that mean NOTHING now. I want to actually have feeling in my chest!
This isn't a whine or a "woe is me cry", it is the truth. How I deal is by having events that raise money and awareness to stupid dumb breast cancer, and cancer in general. I want to make cancer awareness  a loud yell,  not a whisper. I want it heard, seen, understood, treated and CURED! The only way for this to happen is to keep talking about it. Just cause you are told are cancer free or your chemo ends or you are 3 years out of radiation doesn't mean you just go on with life. Cancer changes you to the core: physically, mentally, emotionally!

 This is my favorite quote and why on Tuesday I start the tattooing of my chest with a butterfly. No no no I didn't get cancer just to get more ink, it is just a cancer perk!

CURE OR BUST

 

RACE MODE activate! For the past 7 years I have been a part of the CNY Race for a Cure and loved every minute. The last 4 years we have been the biggest, badest team on the block rocking the private party pavilion, I am so not ready to relinquish that title, at least not this year. For 2 years we were the biggest fund raiser to boot. This team has been built on family and friends who just want to be supportive in the fight against breast cancer. The team has ALWAYS been a celebration of life- the lives battling, the lives surviving and the lives lost. I wanted women, young girls, men and young boys to walk away from the pink sea of survivors and feel the empowerment of what surviving meant. I know that I have always been moved by the survivor parade, the pink mass on stage and hearing the names called as they crossed the finish line.

Last year, I stood there with this lump in my breast wondering what the heck was going to happen! I was scared because my gut was telling me breast cancer. BUT as I stood there and watched the survivors, I turned to MC and said “No matter what I am wearing that pink next year”. The lumpectomy and the pathology report came back less then a  month after the race, frigging stupid dumb breast cancer. Making “taking two for the team” have even more meaning.

This year to date, we have raised just about $15,000.00 and are 169 members strong. There are 291 people total registered and we are 169 of them, cool right? Yes, but I want 500 people! Seriously I do, this year means so much to me. It is almost like a coming full circle. I want everyone to feel the incredible support that I have felt through this. I want this team to say “Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer, nice try but Princess Ann Marie is still here”. Please stop what you are doing and register (well finish reading then register!). It does not matter if you are in California, South Carolina, Canada or East Egypt, you can join us. I have plans for my out of towners!

 http://centralnewyork.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SYR_CentralNewYorkAffiliate?team_id=234025&pg=team&fr_id=2850

So you are sitting there and thinking “UGH Komen”. Let us just put it right out there. My CNY Komen is what I am committed to, my Kate, Deb, Jess, Livvy and all the others that work so hard on the 75% of what is raised for our community. There are caring, resourceful, educated on breast health and committed to helping. They are what I stand for. If you look deep into every big organization you will find something you do not agree with, it is just a fact. Komen started out grassroots, and just like all those other fabulous organizations, they just got bigger. I think that says enough.

Come join my biggest party evah! Join the 169 that have already registered, come for the friendship and leave with pure inspiration. Don’t run? HAHAHA, come for the mimosas before the race and take a fabulous walk with your friends around the Fair. Women and girls over 13 celebrate with us at Twin Trees, I know you men want in, so sure! BUT you MUST wear a bra over your shirt and it HAS to be stuffed, I have been known to take mine off. Did I mention Elana’s famous jello shots?? Come and see just what it means to support, empower, inspire and SURVIVE!! If for no other reason, join me as I walk in the survivor parade with my sisters, stand on stage with my warriors, and cross that finish line with my family and friends as a SURVIOR!!!  Stop telling me you will register and DO IT.Watch the slide show and tell me who else has a team like us…CURE OR BUST BABY!!!

Every princess has her king….

Today is my dad's birthday, 76!!! Let me tell you about my dad. First off he is a royal pain in the ass. He asks me the same friggin thing about 50 times a day then calls me 6 times to repeat it, not at all cause he is old but  he just wants to hear my voice (I know for a fact he does the same to my siblings). He is the meaning of grandfather, he takes that role very seriously. "Cause I'm the Pa" is a famous quote. The love that he gives all his grandkids is no joke, Matt, Nicole, Jess, Lowell, Ben, Natalie, Sam, Anthony and Julian all love their grandfather with such intensity it almost frightens me. They all love and need their Pa as much as he needs them.  I am so happy he takes care of himself, does he look 76?!?!  

My father is the most emotional man you will ever meet, seriously he can cry over anything but when it comes to his kids, grand kids, Deb and family let the water works begin. No really it is sort of the joke, "oh here he goes". I actually plan my gifts around how much he will cry. He lost the love of his life at a time when they were just building a family and never really recovered. He did the best job he could raising us with the help of family, I think he did just fine. Sure we can find something to bitch about that he didn't do but the truth of the matter is he gave us love real love. His love is pure and unconditional no matter what, believe me I was no angel (and my brother and sister, wow!!!) but not once did I ever feel unloved.

My father is a major and I mean MAJOR shopper, which worked out great in my teenage years. You people think I have a shoe issue?? The man buys 2 pairs of each shoe and rotates them so they don't wear out. He never questions my shopping excursions and loves to buy gifts, win win win!  When Deb moved in he was more worried about losing closet space than anything else. 

When I look back I realize that my relationship with him is so different than my siblings, more so than the average. By the time Al and Lori (they are 9 and 10 years older than me) were out of the house my father was just coming out of the fog from my mother's death, he was waking up. I was always his baby princess, I took his mind off the tragedy. So we did a lot together, a lot!  He called me his shadow, "me and my shadow, walking down the avenue"!  Sure there were all sorts of teenage ups and downs, too many to write and some completely illegal, but again there was nothing but love. My first son was premature and my father rushed to Albany and stayed there until my baby came home. Yes I grow up motherless but my father was amazing he was filling the void beyond expectation! 

The day I found out I had breast cancer my father was watching Julian. He knew follow up  appointment was to my lumpectomy so I had to tell him. He was stunned, I will never forget that face. "What?" Was said about 40 times, then the tears. I looked at him and said "if I'm not crying you can't. This is my breast cancer and I decide who cries", he stopped and never once, not once did he cry I front of me through all this. He stood by my and my boys with strength and faith that I never thought possible. He has seen all the pictures and has been at the hospital never once showing me fear. My brother told me that on the way to my mastectomy he thought if my dad was crying he was going to throw him right out of my room because I didn't need that. My father showed him who was king! He laughed, made jokes, and smiled with me the whole time. Sure he was scared the pictures show that but he emitted strength. I have never been more proud to be my dad's baby princess than that day. I simply love him.

Today is his birthday and I want nothing but happiness for him. He deserves it! Last year I helped him get a ring for Deb and he asked her to marry him. She is the best thing for him, she balances him and keeps him out of my hair. Ok ok so she is younger than my brother and only 5 months older than my sister, she is still the best! Keep your jokes to yourself, hahaha.  I love Deb and am proud to have her part of the family, he has done good!  To be honest I don't know how she puts up with him but she loves him and he loves her. I pictured them married this winter but breast cancer had other ideas. Maybe this year?! I sure do hope so.

So happy birthday daddy! I am so lucky to have a pops like you. Don't forget you promised me a tattoo, not another for me but YOU!!! I'm so excited and you wouldn't want to disappoint me after this year....xo

My race for the cure daddy!

Never leaves my side

My walk with my king on my side

Holding it together

Pure happiness and love

scared but strong

Life after cancer

Cancer Free, what does that mean?
 

“Mom where’s my socks?” “Mom is dinner ready?” “Babe where is the tape?” “MOMMMMMMMM”…..Life as I know it. While nothing seems to have changed everything is so different. I can not put a finger on it put it is not the same. It seems we all had a reality check as to what is important in life through this but that really isn't what I mean. There is something “there”.
Part of it is I am still so fucking exhausted from this hysterectomy, like really EXHAUSTED!! I thought I knew tired but I never did until now. My body has been through so much and I need to accept this and listen to it. They took out major parts, only weighing 86 grams ROBBED again!!! My hormones are on a roller coaster ride, sobbing over NOT being able to do the laundry when I should be thrilled. Do not even get me started on night sweats and hot flashes. WTF, nothing like sweating and freezing all at once. Katy Perry’s “Hot N’ your cold” is my new theme song. Still this is not it.
I am not going anywhere in the fund raising aspect of SDBC, what I am doing is kicking it into overdrive. I have always been a force in the fund raising for Race for the Cure and very vocal about it. Yes this has amped me up but it hasn’t changed that. I have ideas for every month and making sure they are different so people can find something that works for them. Never feel obligated to do them all, but don’t you dare do none, cause I will hunt your ass down. I am excited and passionate about all these yet that is not it either.
Not only do I want to continue SDBC but am in the midst of starting a new venture with a fabulous survivor. I have never met her but we are connected through cancer and together as friends, no wait sisters, we are excited and ready to take the cancer world by storm. We are taking a HUGE leap of faith and am so excited to do so.  As we finalize plans I will be sure to fill in the blanks. This is new for both of us but we seem to have the same ideas and philosophy plus that “let's do this” attitude I can just see the success of it. This is something that has changed me but yet it is not it, ugh.
I have such a great family, like amazing. Right down to my 3rd cousin once removed they have been so incredibly supportive. My husband has done everything he can to help me, our family and our marriage it makes me feel complete. My kids have been my biggest fans and have proved how strong they are. My friends, WOWOOWOWOW!! They have been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my balance, my light and my silver lining. Without them this battle would have sucked big time! Even their children have showed amazing support and their husbands as well, now that is some badass friends! Then there is my cancer friends, amazed. I never met half these people yet we have shared such personal stories, struggles and fear. They have taught me how to cope because they get it and they have empowered me beyond words. I never thought strangers could mean so much but still that is not what has changed.
I worry about what is next. I have so many up coming appointments and tests that is stresses me to think about it. I did not survive cancer to die from fucking stress!! I am positive that these scans and tests will be clear but I am still scared of the unknown. I was so healthy before this cancer has made me question my ability to get that back. Really I was not a worrier about myself at all, glad I took that lump serious. I was never a hypochondriac yet I get freaked that my hang nail might turn into nail cancer, don’t laugh it could so happen. Even that crazy talk isn't what I mean.
I feel so different on the outside and in. My emotions are all out of whack yet I feel stronger than ever. I am so proud of this journey yet frightened I did something wrong. I feel like I am on the road to recovery but at the same time I am so drained and out of shape I want to scream. One minute I am laughing and ready for life the next I am crying. My body is so weak (I can barely carry an effin milk jug when I used to squat my body weight) but it feel like a power house. I hate cancer yet I love how it affected me. I am beyond overwhelmed, yet feel like I can take the world by storm. Shit balls when I write that all down I am a HAM for sure, a HOT ASS MESS.
I guess I am just different yet still the same. Life after cancer goes on for sure, but we are never the same. I can never be that same girl nor do I want to be. Ann Marie is here but new and improved. Understand that while we are going to soccer games, working out or hitting Target, I am still battling the beast. I think of what cancer did to me and catch myself worrying about its return.  I still have doctor appointments, test, scans, blood work and pain I deal with every day because of stupid mother fucking breast cancer. I want to be treated as the same princess but accepted as a newer model. Most of all I want everyone to be aware of cancer and how it affects you. Aware of your body and how you need to address anything that you think is off. Aware that I kicked cancer’s ass and it changed me.

Birthday

Always wanted a BROTHER

Always wanted a SISTER

My 4th birthday and first memory

The truth is for years I hated my birthday. Really hated it. The year I was born I am so sure my family was thrilled for a new baby, YEAHOOO!! I imagine they went through all my “firsts” and had a great time celebrating my 1st birthday…..Then my mom died, tragically. So for the year of 1973 my family had a lot to deal with but still had this little one that needed attention. I was their distraction from it all. I can only imagine what my 2nd birthday held. I know a family friend had the party, the first anniversary of someone’s death is always the hardest. I am sure they all loved the fact my birthday was the focus, but I can only imagine the heart ache. Year after year that became the case. I could tell they wanted to celebrate but their thoughts went to my mom. I have always felt pressure to have a great birthday yet there was always a cloud over it.  I thought in my warped little head if I didn’t have a birthday she would still be here, crazy but to a child living it seemed like the truth. I excepted my brithday to fix the pain. Years and years of therapy have taught me different. I learned that my birthday had nothing to do with it, duh! Yet still was hard accepting that.


Taught me to iron underware

Daddy's little girl

What cancer taught me, is life! So all those years that I thought I was the reason for the pain I realize they needed my birthday. Birthdays are about life!! I came into their life when they needed to see a smile, they needed a laugh and they needed innocence. My son Ben is wise beyond years and he said to me last night “Your mom died  and showed them death but you showed the how to live”!!! He is so fucking smart it kills me.

Told me about my period!

Spoiled me rotten

So for years they fought over who got to take me places, do things with me, spoil me or just be with me. They still do cause I am that fabulous!! Not because they needed to forget my mom’s death but they needed LIFE. My birthday was important because I was needed. And I needed them to show me love. Every person in these pictures was a mother to me, every person loved me for me, every person needed me…..
Happy Birthday to me!!!

One of the only pictures of my mom holding me

Happy birthday to me

My birthday is Thursday and although I love things that come in little boxes, that glitter and shine. Things that I slide my feet into and make me so tall and sparkly. The best gift is CANCER FREE!!!

Just so you know "cancer free" gifts can be combined with birthday gifts!

The power of the stiletto

I really did try to sleep. I started at 10pmish and here it is almost 2 and I have had no luck. You would think the amount of drugs I have in me would knock a horse out apparently I haven't gained that much weight. Needless to say this will be a post that has misspelling, bad grammar and randomness so I hope you can follow, shit I hope I can follow.

Thursday they went in and took those parts out that helped me grow my 4 little monkey butts into these crazy as world. I went into that surgery with all sorts if advice-it's no big deal, easier than a mastectomy, horrible, you will feel like hell, I was back at the gym in a week, etc. I had no idea what to expect. As you can see from the previous post it kicked my ass. The doctors say that is normal considering I have had 5 surgeries in 6 months, my body is spent. I am sore all over for sure and honestly my vagina feels much like a back alley crack whore (not that I would know). I am just waiting and not eagerly for menopause symptoms to start.

Needless to say my mind is back on override. Preparing for the surgery was very tiring this go around. The kids were scared because they knew there is no guarantees of cancer free (things look good but until that pathology comes back....). Tom was nervous but tried so hard to just act calm, 20 years together told a different story. The family and friends were ready with meals, support, tea and new sparkly shoes. Attack mode!

With all this I completely forget about the oncology appointment that was to follow the surgery. This appointment was made August 21st when I first went to the oncologist for stupid dumb breast cancer. It's my 6 month follow up! Really already?? The reality is that if I had not been so busy planning, pre testing and getting my girly parts roto rootered (Google that) I would have been over thinking this appointment. Praise the hysterectomy! I am so happy that these last few nights I stayed up watching Teen Mom, Mob Wives, and other embarrassing shows instead of worrying about the "what if" of this visit.

My life has changed so dramatically in 6 months it blows my mind. Life can change so fast and take you on a journey that you never dreamed of. It can bring you happiness you never thought you deserved. Heart ache you never thought possible. Friendships you can never live without. Scars that will last to remind you of the bumps you overcome. A purpose you didn't know you were looking for.

 Some say "it's the easy cancer", "not real cancer", "just an abnormal cell" but to me cancer and is cancer. My journey these past 6 months taught me that cancer does not have a set face or rules, it is it's one entity. Cancer takes each individual on its own journey,down whichever road it sees fit. How you travel down that road is up to you. so for me, it doesn't  matter if my oncologist tells me I'm cancer free or we need more tests, I know how I will travel. That road may not be paved, as a matter of fact it's probably all gravel with big ass potholes, but I know I can dance, walk, run, skip if I want to down that road. Done of course in my sparkly 6 inch stilettos knowing just who will be there for me to hold on to if I need!