Going insane got no brain

Ok well the MRI showed I had a brain but whether it is on the fritz remains to be determined. It is hard to say when a cold is just a cold or if something brewing. After DX, whenever you get a headache, toothache, hang nail or backache you think "Mother of all that is evil it must be bad, it must be cancer". It is so difficult to figure out when to call the doc, which doc to call and whether it is really serious. The ache that has been there for more than 4 weeks probably should be address. Guess what, it actually could be just a pulled muscle from lifting all those chips or from stress. The problem is our head starts making us second guess every ache/pain/change in body. I would always tough it out and wait until the last minute now I have ALL my docs on speed dial. The problem is when do you call??? How do you call?? At this point I think Ghost Busters might be able to help me. I really feel like I am losing my mind, yes I may have lost it but now it is going haywire like serious craziness. Yet I know I am not alone, right please tell me I am not alone.

Yes possibly

 I have had some headaches, watery eye, head pressure and a bunch of other crap since last November they said nerve damage, OK fine. Well guess what it has not gone away and has only increased. Then BAM lost hearing, now its muffled with serious pressure. Some days the pain is horrible and I just want to cry. Add a little stiff neck and I am like WTF I must be dying (don't send  flowers just yet!!). MRI says brain is still there and in good condition minus all the pot I smoked when I was young. Some inflammation but no tumors, well hot damn!!! Yet the pain and pressure and ear ringing is still there (or is it, maybe it is just my overacting).  I was told by the ENT to take a muscle relaxer and call it a day, basically it was in my head.  You get me here right?? You waffle between it is nothing to OMG its cancer which you had so you know it is impossible. The doc looks at you like you are nuts and maybe you are but damn there is no need to make me feel that way. You want it to be nothing and hope it will be but what if it is something!  I think docs need to understand this and that you want to be healthy and fit into your before cancer jeans so bad!! Do you ever get pass the fear?? I do not think so ever. I have seen too many friends suffer and have been through enough to not be scared. So I find myself sitting and letting the pain build and feel all the symptoms just to prove to myself I am not making this up. Which it totally not fun, just saying. Going insane is not at all as enjoyable as I thought.


I am off to the neurologist next month and while I really hope he tells me I am ok it is stress or another skittle I am so scared it is something bugger. And what more is all I want is relief from the discomfort.  Maybe I need a lobotomy or glasses or a vacation. YES that is it I need a vacation, who has a time share? I am not looking to head to the mountains in a closed up cabin for the winter with Tommy if you get my picture. The Queen must be looking to vacation with a princess!

I wasn’t going to but now I am PINK

I will have this pink ribbon forever LIVE, HOPE, LOVE

I swore I was going to refrain from this but I feel the need to let loose, god help all those around me. I am just sick of the “pinkwashing” and “pinkbashing” that there has to be a happy medium. It is so secret that I love pink, the color makes me feel fabulous so I am drawn to it. I like the way I look in pink, yellow not so much I have olive skin coloring. So that in itself is an issue, not everyone likes pink and that is ok. Do I think the marketing world is trying hard to sell the pink ribbon, for sure! Do I think that it is in part because they are breast and breast sell, oh hell yes. Do I think that they are selling pink without education, damn straight. Do I think this can be helped, no I do not but we can educate ourselves on how to deal.

Pink to them makes them smile

When my boys wear pink or that ribbon we all want to bitch about it makes them smile. The smile is because not only did their adorable princess momma have breast cancer but she is here today to hug them. When Tom wears his pink rubber bracelet it makes him for a moment think of all we have fought for and how love and support took breast cancer over. They love supporting all that pinkalious stuff to tell anyone who will listen just what Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer is about and what it did to our family, make us stronger. They have nothing but pride when they wear that, is that wrong??? I dare you to tell them it is.

YAHOOOO for my girls who will never be anything less than sisters.

When my BFF’s rock the pink for me it is to show that they will always be at my side, always. For me  when I wear anything that has breast cancer on it I do think about all my friends that have lost their battle. When someone says “did you have breast cancer?” It opens up this conversation about breast health, getting your mammos and feeling your boobs up. For me it is a chance to share my story in hopes that someone learns something. Maybe when she wears her pink breast cancer whatever she has (I have never seen her closet) my friend Nancy can talk about being triple negative and teach about how she took cancer by the horns and beat it up! Maybe wearing that ribbon will give me a chance to talk about this amazing woman Lisa who lost her battle but never gave up hope. Why can’t the pink ribbon open up conversation???


Well here is why because so many companies abuse the hell out of it. When you buy that bag of cotton balls (I hate cotton balss so I never would buy them but maybe you would) that have pink ribbons on it you think “awesome I can clean my face and help those battling”. Not always the case.Check the back, where does the money go? Some no name place that does nothing? how much goes, most cap what they will donate. And how much goes, there is always a percent. I remember a jean company (do not ask me the name cause I can not remember and I do not feel like looking it up, you can though, let me know) sold pink ribbon jeans for the cause. Yeah well only $.008 went out of the $50.00 that cost for the jeans, they capped it at $25,000 and the money went to “a breast cancer research”. Really?? Then there is the products that are just bad for you, KFC greasy ass chicken should not be consumed by anyone much less someone battling cancer. Use your head here people or not if it makes you happy then buy the damn chicken I am not your mother. I am just here to guide you.


I will tell you what gets me more is when dumb ass products are the ads have smiling, beautiful woman who look so happy to have cancer. There is always an African-American, an elderly and a middle aged Caucasian, I swear they think this covers everyone, they are hugging and smiling like they just went to see “Magic Mike”. I was never happy ever, I laughed cause it got me through but happy no friggin way. I know laughing  my way through cancer was the only way I could deal so  I sure did. How about using this image if you want a smile…

what is behind that pink ribbon, my reality

Yes there is a smile but the reality of how breast cancer changes you is smack there. Not everyone wants to smile some can’t there is too much against them. But showing them a fake image is never going to help or make them feel empowered. No one wants to talk about those with metastatic breast cancer but the truth is they are who we should be focusing on. The reality of their mortality is in their face 24/7. My friend Lisa says it all and holds nothing back. Her life is not tied pretty in a pink ribbon.


I know you are reading this think WTF is she nuts and totally all over the place, well we know I am but I just want you dumbasses to see all the points here and make your own choices. There are some awesome places to donate. Of course there is always SDBC and my mission for Bravery Bags, I want to help those in this community and make them smile just a little. It may not change the world but it changes one persons world and that is fabu for me. Cancer Connects is a local group that provides complimentary therapy, mentors and aide to my peeps in my community!!  Check Army of Woman who are doing amazing research in the cancer world by using real breast cancer warriors. I am proud to be a part of any study I can fit into. Metavivor is a new organization committed to change the world of Mets which as of now only gets 2% of funding to the 30% who have mets. Maybe giving to Personal P.ink so that survivors can covers those scars and get their self back just a little. So do not tell me there are not important organizations out there that are doing great things, you can also not tell me that they do not rock the pink just a little. The difference is they do it responsibly, try that!

Pink OUT where wearing pink made you a queen, drag style

Life is a party no matter what it is throwing at you. If you want it to be a pink bash have at it or maybe it will be a black tie affair the choice is yours. Who are we to judge. You can either be a party pooper (hint no one like that person they suck) or the life of the party (that is me and I throw a killer party) just do it the right way. I have a great neon pink dress and high ass heels so if you are having a party please invite me, I just need time to shine my tiara!

Anthony Jude the way cool dude

I love the way you make pancakes all by yourself and how proud you are when everyone eats them up. I love when you read a book to Jules all snuggled on the couch. I love watching you play soccer with the older boys because I know you are giving it your all. I love the smile on your face when its Sunday and we are having rigatonis! I love that you are named after my mom. I love listening to you sing even though the lyrics are completely inappropriate. I love you even though when I think of your delivery I can only remember punching daddy and screaming at anyone that entered, once a pain always a pain! I  love that today you turn 8 cause 8 is great just like you!

All of this almost negates the fact you pick on your brothers and taunt them while walking through the house in muddy cleats! But the fact that you out of all the kids treats me like a princess makes you my favorite (just don’t tell the others).

Personal P.ink

I do not normally do this but this is a project I really believe in, like completely! Check it please!! I was even part of their inspirations, awesome right? 








am not a breast cancer expert, but I do know that breast cancer takes the control away from each individual. My name is Jillian, and I am here on behalf of P.INK because we have launched a day where we can give women the opportunity to take backsome of the control they lost. Our first annual P.INK Day is being held on October 21, 2013 in New York City and we are linking 10 very talented female tattoo artists with 10 survivors who have undergone mastectomies to cover their scars, and/or adorn them.

I know that tattoos cannot erase that time in these survivors lives, but my hope is that they do provide a sense of healing for moving on and give them something to be excited about when looking at their own bodies.

Our hope for P.INK Day, is that this becomes an annual event to not only give women the chance to get a free tattoo, but to raise awareness of this healing option, so that in the future, all survivors, anywhere, can seek skilled, experienced artists who can help.

Our plan is to make these ladies feel as comfortable as possible and embrace this time they have to take back control of their lives and move on with something as beautiful as a tattoo.

So, I ask you today, to please help us make our first P.INK Day possible, so we can continue to change the post breast cancer lives of many women across the world.

Please make your donation here.

And if you happen to be interested in getting a tattoo in future P.INK Days, please send us an email at help@p-ink.org.

Also, help us spread the word:

www.facebook.com/PersonalInk

www.twitter.com/personal_ink

www.p-ink.org

http://igg.me/at/pinkday

Boob job my ass

“Oh so you get a free tummy tuck too” WTF seriously FREE!! I had cancer that is where this all started not because I am obsessed with friggin Nip N’ Tuck. I never once asked for these foobs nor did I want them.  No offense what so ever to those with tucks and nips, none that was your choice and you should have at it. I have not yet met at cancer badass that has said “Phew I really enjoyed this whole process, I am sooooo happy I got cancer cause this is just what I wanted”. NO A SINGLE ONE!

I was going along fine with my floppy, breast feed out boobs just fine. Sure they sagged but they were mine oh mine.  Then BAM got cancer and it all unfolded. I needed to decided then whether it was lumpectomy or mastectomy, reconstruction or flat and fabulous. There was no one telling me to slow down and really think this through, what it is you want in the end. It happened so fast I made decisions based on what I thought people did. I had never wanted implants but it seemed my only option. Honestly I may seem all brave and together but I am not any of that when the idea of going flat was brought up. Call me vain but I needed to have something there. So I got expanders that they pumped up then had the implants put in.  That may seem so cut and dry but until you are in it the feeling is surreal, especially with cancer looming over head. Which from the get go I hated, no I will not go on again about how fake they are but that is how I feel like an alien. I have plenty of friends that feel great in the implants and are ok with them, but again they did not ask for them.

For me they are not working, not physically, mentally or anything in between.  So it is the DIEP and the real me. At the cost of a long mother fucking surgery, major recovery and whatever else is thrown at me but I did not ask for this. I need this for my recovery for my healing from CANCER. That is the difference. I did not call the plastic surgeon to ask for a tummy tuck/boob job, I went in for my follow up from this lumpy ass journey and that is what we decided.  I do not olok forward to a flat stomach (ok a little but that isn't what the big picture is about), I look forward to feeling like ME just a little.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE if you are reading this blog I hope you get the message I am trying to say.  If not let me clarify that  saying “Oh you are so lucky to get a free boob job” or “Oh boy a free tummy tuck” or “Aren’t you happy to have free perky boobs?” should never be said, ever! Add the neuropathy, lymphedema, nerve damage, weight gain and all the other crap that we get on top of the CANCER and it is not free, the price we pay is beyond what anyone can afford.  

This princess loves to ask for free shoes, a sparkly tiara on sale or a great price on a dress because those are fabulous! Getting cancer for a Nip N’ Tuck not so fabulous, just saying.

Perfect marriage, blahahahahaah

16 ever loving years of marriage 21 years together are we friggin crazy???? Yes a little. I hate those people that say they have the “perfect marriage” “we never fight”, its bullshit total BS. I could give you the whole “a marriage is built on….. “ (fill in the blanks) but every marriage needs something different.  We are so far from perfect we boarder insanity, but we don't give up on each other, top that suckas. Tom and I are total opposites and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. We fight, have our challenges but at the end of the day we lay next to each other in loving comfort. Does that make the fact he doesn’t shut the lights off when he leaves a room ok, oh hell no but I still love him. When he silently corrects my grammar I know he just can’t help it and he loves me, it’s when he vocally corrects it I wanna smack him. We drive each other crazy and that is all part of this wacky marriage.
 


Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer changed me, him and our marriage. I have met so many who had their marriage destroyed because of the beast. I am proud to say it made us stronger. We have learned that we each are hurting through this and we respect that. We both decided that we would not let cancer consume our marriage and we fought like hell to understand each other. Tom learned that he can’t save me from cancer and all I needed was for him to hold my hand, I love that part just love it.  Cancer exhausted us both of us, ok me more but I will give him that he suffered from sleep too. Tom doesn’t care what my scars look like, how much weight I gain or how insane this has made me, he really doesn’t. I guess you can say I am lucky, pretty damn lucky.For a man that doesn’t like to be public he stands by my big mouth and small foobs as my mission against cancer grows, I am so proud of him! Doesn’t that mean he always says the right thing or that I don’t fly off the handle no way just means we get the reasons why cancer has altered us forever.



The damn kids never help a marriage I am sorry kids but it’s true. They add an insane amount of stress no doubt but when the morning comes and you have these 4 amazing monkeys snuggling with you in a full size bed it all makes sense. When we got married a couple that we love and respect said to me, “When you have kids do not put them before your marriage. Your marriage comes first”. I remember thinking that is cray cray, your kids should be your priority. But the reality is that if the marriage isn’t working the kids are suffering too. I get that statement more than I ever thought and this past year has amplified that.

 So as we celebrate our anniversary I can say that this week I sure do love Tom a lot, next week that may change but I am going for it. How many grammatical errors were in this blog post, ask Tom he will tell you??  I can say for certain through it all he does an amazing job of shining my tiara!!

Sammy Boy

Dear my Sammy Boy,
WOW can not believe you are 11 today. Where did it go my big headed baby?? It seems like yesterday that you were born. Ben used to love to hold you with the Boppy and rub your hand now you two just want to smack each other with your hands! Yet I know you are the best of friends. This past year has been hard on my smiling Sammy. Some people say their kid always smiles but you have been smiling since birth. Even when I am screaming at you there is still a smile on your face. There is even one on that round beautiful face when your brothers are getting in trouble, I think that's your favorite time to smile on you little knucklehead!  You never miss a chance to make someone crack up which sometimes makes me want to crack your head! You have one of the kindest hearts I know always helping the underdog. You are my go with the flow kid and really always looks on the brighter side! Birds birds birds that is all I can say about that.
The night before my surgery you laid next to me sobbing, that was the hardest thing to watch. I hate that cancer took your smile away, really hate that. I know how worried you still are and I wish I could take that fear away. This was the one time you could not joke or smile and cancer sucks for taking that from you.

I know you drive me friggin nuts with your wise acre attitude (not sure where you get that from!) but I know in the long run you will be a more confident person because of it. I could not be any more prouder of the young man you are becoming. Except of course when you are tormenting Anthony which you have seem to do amazingly well. I know how happy you are to share a birthday with Beyonce I just wish for your sake she was as excited as you!

Thank you for always being there with your smile, I know it may seem I want to smack it off you but I secretly don’t. Remember I love you so much and you will always be my favorite (just don’t tell the others).

Your princess mother,
Mommy